


I'll meet you there.

by Misila



Category: Free!, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Romance, Wizarding Wars, possibly disturbing content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-14
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-06 17:10:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 32,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5425136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misila/pseuds/Misila
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Rin had always worn his heart on his sleeve, even more so when he was upset;</p><p>yet Haruka hadn’t realised how deep the cuts ran until it was too late."</p><p> </p><p>After finishing Hogwarts, Haruka joins the Order of the Phoenix. Not because he wants to fight against Voldemort or because he enjoys being in danger, but because he has his own, selfish mission: to find Rin, to get <em>his</em> Rin back before he loses him forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prelude

 

 

 

Among the places Haruka didn’t want to be in that moment was Diagon Alley.

He had been delighted the first time he saw it, of course– its many shops, the countless magical items one could buy with enough money, the excitement attached to the children’s ecstatic cries; even though Haruka wasn’t fond of crowded, loud places, he had actually enjoyed that first glimpse of the wizarding world grabbing Makoto’s arm to not get lost among so many people.

Almost eight years later, Haruka found himself willing to do anything to have the warmth he had once felt within his chest back. Diagon Alley had become a silent, cold place, where the few people that dared go outside walked fast and with a guarded, almost fearful expression on their faces. The few children he saw looked around wide-eyed, holding onto their parents’ hands with sweaty fingers.

It wasn’t fair. They shouldn’t see the wizarding world at its worst.

Haruka walked quickly too, but for a entirely different reason. He was late, and even though that didn’t usually bother him, Seijuurou’s complaints about his supposed bad manners and Nao’s disapproving looks surely did. Maybe he had been staring at that new broom for too long.

Not that he minded. Haruka knew flying wouldn’t help him forget about everything –about the war, about the Order, about _him_ –, but he could ignore it, at least. He liked the familiar feeling of his old broom, but it was too slow now. Haruka wanted _speed_ – wanted the feeling of the wind on his face, wanted breathing fresh, clean air; but what he wanted the most was to fly so fast he wouldn’t see anything when he looked back.

If only it were that easy.

Haruka almost ran the last few meters until he reached Knocturn Alley, where he could Disapparate. Everyone knew many Death Eaters were hiding there, but the Ministry had too many connections with pure-blood families to cast Anti-Disapparition Jinxes yet.

He was glad there was nobody to see him when he stopped in front of Borgin and Burkes; he didn’t want to get into unnecessary trouble. He closed his eyes, turned around the spot and Apparated some streets away from the Order’s headquarters.

Finding out the meeting had been delayed for some hours due to Seijuurou’s work was a pleasant surprise. Haruka sat down next to Makoto, refusing to meet his friend’s gaze as he mumbled a greeting loud enough for Makoto to hear him. He then proceeded to ignore Kisumi. Which, as he should have learnt after seven years sharing most classes with him, never offended Kisumi enough to stop testing his patience.

Haruka didn’t really know why Kisumi and Makoto had joined the Order. They both came from ancient pure-blood families, and it wasn’t likely that Voldemort’s minions would come after them. He thought Kisumi wanted to play hero, but why Makoto (easily frightened, almost coward Makoto) wanted to fight too was a mystery.

Haruka himself didn’t want to be there. Having muggle parents made him an obvious target for Death Eaters, and if it were for him he would’ve come back to his little muggle town long ago. But...

But Makoto. Haruka didn’t want to leave him alone when he put himself continuously in danger; he didn’t want to lose him. The murder of his grandmother had been painful enough.

And, well.

Rin too.

 

 _Mudblood_.

 

Haruka tensed at the insult. The voice was only in his head, but he had heard it before, and he didn’t need anyone to know. He didn’t care, anyway. He was what he was, and people saying it didn’t offend him. What bothered him wasn’t the word.

It was the person who had said it.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Rin came home late. Again.

He didn't spend much time with his family those days; but when his mother made him promise he'd visit her and Gou he didn’t have much of an option. But even less likely was for him to do what he really wanted at that point, so he didn't finish his _work_ until late at night.

There were no lights on; Rin would have been surprised otherwise. He tiptoed his way into his mother's house, not even breathing in fear of waking her or Gou up. He couldn't stand seeing them right now, couldn't force them to meet his eyes. He had the feeling they would know what he had done, what he couldn't help but doing now.

Rin knew his mother would be angry the next morning. She thought her son spent his days after graduation partying, and Rin didn't have the heart to tell her that he actually spent his days watching his friends torture and kill muggles (like _her_ ).

"You're so late."

Rin, already with his hand around his bedroom's door handle, stiffened at his sister's sleepy, bothered voice. He didn't know if he was imagining it, but Gou sounded accusatory. As if she knew everything Rin couldn't say.

He didn't dare turn to her; he felt she would find out if he did.

"Sorry."

"Where were you?"

Rin huffed. "With my friends."

Gou inhaled sharply.

"Your friends? Do you mean Haru––”

"I said _friends_." Rin couldn't help but raise his voice a little. "Haru and the others aren’t– Not that– not _him_.  He’s not my friend, he’s _nothing_ ,” he concluded, not knowing why he was trying so hard to explain his point. He didn’t need to convince anyone. He _knew_ the people he once considered friends didn’t care about him anymore, and that should be enough… right? “Are you happy now?"

"No." Gou's tone was surprisingly sharp. "You're being stupid and don't want to see that those friends of yours probably work for You-Know-Who."

 _I know_ , Rin wanted to yell. _I know better than you think_.

"Stop acting like Mum. I know what I'm doing."

"Of _course_ you do; you’re always right, aren’t you?" Gou snapped, retreating into her bedroom and closing the door behind her.

Rin didn't sleep for the rest of the night. It wasn’t a foreign feeling –sleep was something he had been getting less and less used to for the last year–, but he was usually careful not to let memories haunt him; lately he even had started to take Sleeping Draught to enjoy black, empty nights.

He hadn’t brought any with him, though, which was the reason Rin spent hours staring at the ceiling, trying to breathe despite the thoughts pressing against his chest, the air that seemed thick with so many regrets he didn’t allow himself to think about under the sun. Words whispered behind his back, loud enough for him to hear; judging glares burning holes in his chest; friends, new friends…

Haruka…

 

 _You’re disgusting_.

 

Rin sat up abruptly, desperately gasping to get air as he shook his head. He didn’t need those people anymore, he didn’t want anything from them; even though he wasn’t entirely happy with his life, it was what he’d chosen and it didn’t matter to them.

Rin didn’t matter.

But there had been a moment, in the middle of a heated argument in an empty bathroom, when Haruka’s usual indifferent expression had turned into something different, when Rin had let himself believe he was at least a bit important.

 

 

 

 


	2. Teeth behind the mask

 

 

 

 

Patrolling crowded muggle places was one of the less pleasant tasks Haruka had to deal with.

It was dangerous, too; anyone could pull out their wand and attack innocent bystanders among so many people. Besides, wizards and witches were a minority, and lately some members of the Order’s faces had become known for Death Eaters.

Haruka preferred to observe everything from afar; he wouldn’t walk willingly into the crowd, but spotting suspicious individuals was easier when he sat on a building’s balcony, safe and away from everyone else. Sitting alone there, bathing in the sunset light, was somehow nice, despite he hated the polluted air big cities seemed to breathe.

He constantly scanned the crowd; even though Death Eaters tried to not stand out among muggles, they were ridiculously easy to spot due to their obvious non-muggle attire and their behaviour, usually avoiding touching what they thought were disgusting, inferior beings.

Having been lost in thought for minutes, Haruka froze when the sun had just disappeared behind tall buildings.

His eyes caught a flash of red on a less crowded area, as if its owner didn’t want to be surrounded by people, and his stomach flipped as he realised that hair was familiar– he turned on the spot and materialised in an empty alley near the plaza the muggles had gathered– he had known that red for _years_ , but he hadn’t expected to find it _there_ –

Haruka had to stop whatever Rin had planned, or he would start a one-way trip whose destination nobody knew for sure.

He cursed the muggles around him for being so oblivious to magic, so ignorant of it that they forced him to run, when he had always been so slow on land; he _needed_ to see Rin, he hadn’t chosen the rough work for other reason than that–

Haruka swallowed when he entered the plaza, trying not to think about what he would do once he had Rin before him. Their last confrontation, before they finished their last year, before the N.E.W.T.s, still hurt.

He stopped, though, when he spotted that familiar red hair. It was too long, darker than he remembered and nowhere as alluring as Rin’s.

Gou Matsuoka turned around at the sound of Haruka’s pants. At first she looked alarmed, but soon her surprised expression dissolved into a small smile.

It felt like falling from his broom, like the moment the cold, merciless ground met his body.

“Ah, Haruka-senpai,” she greeted. “Are you going to buy anything?” she asked, gesturing with her hands towards the stands.

“Uh… no, I was… just looking.” Haruka didn’t expect Gou to believe his words; he knew he was awful at lying. She was polite enough to pretend she did, though. “I thought–”

“Onii-chan isn’t here today,” Gou interrupted him. Her smile didn’t disappear, but it got stiff, her eyes darkening with worry. “He’s been busy this summer.”

For a second, Haruka wondered if she knew what was going on with her brother. He couldn’t imagine Rin willingly telling anyone what he had done, but Gou wasn’t stupid. She was perceptive and clever, and Rin had always worn his heart on his sleeve. Even more so when he was upset.

And yet Haruka hadn’t realised how deep the cuts ran until it was too late.

“I see,” he forced out of his throat. “If… If you see him–” Haruka swallowed, but the sudden itch in his eyes didn’t subside. “Tell him flying together some time would be nice.”

Gou nodded, her smile finally disappearing; and Haruka realised then that he wasn’t the only one afraid of Rin’s behaviour. “I will.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

There was no reason.

There was _no reason_ to kill that girl. She was barely eleven. Maybe she hadn’t even visited Diagon Alley yet.

Yet she now laid dead in her own bedroom.

Rin sank his nails into his forearm, trying to look at anything but _that_. She had screamed, had begged, had called her parents– all for nothing; all that was left from her was a disfigured corpse and her last yells echoing in Rin’s head.

Maybe it was a good thing that his eyes watered behind his mask and his tears blurred the revolting sight. Maybe not, because Rin didn’t think he deserved to isolate himself from a reality he had enabled, not even that little bit. Perhaps his hands hadn’t tortured and killed that girl, but he hadn’t been able to make it stop, to express his terrified thoughts into words.

Rin could barely hear his friends’ laughs at this point. He wanted to Disapparate, to run, to fly– anything to escape that reality, to stop smelling death and knowing he had been responsible for it.

“Oi, Rin, you should’ve done something.”

“Yeah, you never have any fun.”

“I don’t need…” Rin’s voice was low, raspy, almost broken. “I’m fine like this.”

“Come on, they’re just mudbloods. This is probably the only thing they’re good at.” Rin barely noticed he pointed at the dead girl.

His nails finally broke skin.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

_Haruka was rarely this aggressive._

_Rin didn’t have anywhere else to go; he couldn’t think of more excuses to avoid his blunt questions, couldn’t escape because his back was pressed against the wall and Haruka didn’t look like he was going to let him go easily._

_He was so_ stubborn _._

_“I’ve already told you,” Rin hissed through gritted teeth one last time, “I left the team so I could focus on my exams.”_

_“The O.W.L.s were last year,” Haruka replied._

_“And the N.E.W.T.s are next year and I want good marks, is that too hard to understand?!”_

_“That doesn’t explain why you’re hanging out with Mucilber and–”_

_“What, can’t I have friends?”_

_Haruka frowned. “We are your friends too. When they leave Hogwarts they’ll surely–”_

_Rin raised his arms and pushed against Haruka’s chest, seeing him stumble backwards and following him towards the opposite wall, their positions switched._

_“That’s not any of your business,” he stated. He had never hated their almost non-existent height different as much as then. Even though the cornered one was now Haruka, his look was determined. “I have a good time with them–”_

_“Attacking muggle-borns?”_

_Rin’s hands closed into fists._

_“No. But now that you say it, maybe doing it isn’t that–”_

_It was Haruka the one who gritted his teeth this time._

_“So you’d be fine if I were the next one?”_

_Rin’s mind went blank; even his cheeks lost their colour. Since Rin had cut ties with the others, Haruka’s eyes had shown anger, worry, fear, exasperation… but now even Rin could see the plea that shone in his frustrated, helpless expression._

_The lump in his throat prevented him from speaking for some seconds, and Rin would be partly glad for it later– because he didn’t know what he could say if he managed to force words out of his lips, because there had been a time when he wouldn’t have hesitated to speak his mind if Haruka asked him to._

_But that time was gone. He had been young and foolish, had gotten carried away, only to be ignored when everyone gave up on such a troublesome friendship. He didn’t matter to them, so why was Haruka so persistent? Wasn’t he the one who hated pretending?_

_“You could be, for all I care,” Rin finally spat, each word laced with venom. He hadn’t know he could feel that twisted satisfaction from seeing Haruka’s eyes widening, his indifferent façade crumbling at last to show a kind of pain Rin hadn’t thought_ he _could cause._

_It felt good, being the one who hurt others every now and then._

_Haruka exhaled shakily. “That’s not–”_

_“True?” Rin smiled. “It has to happen sooner or later; you better accept it.” He hadn’t touched Haruka since he pushed him, yet his classmate pressed his back further against the wall. “Mudblood.”_

_The word tasted bitter, yet Rin didn’t allow himself to show it until he walked away from a still stunned Haruka._

_He felt nauseous._

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Haruka had saved half the price of the broom he wanted.

He could always ask his parents for money –they were muggles, not poor–, but earning the broom by himself felt oddly satisfying. Besides, Haruka was aware getting in touch with his relatives would only risk everyone’s lives.

There were times, though, when he wished he could just grab the broom from the window display and fly away.

Haruka sighed. No matter how bad things in the wizarding world were getting, he wasn’t a thief. So he shoved his hands into the pockets of his hoodie and started walking towards Knocturn Alley to Disapparate.

Makoto had repeatedly warned him about the risks of venturing there alone, being a muggle-born and a member of the Order of the Phoenix. Haruka didn’t exactly care, though; he was good at passing unnoticed, and he hadn’t had any problems so far, even though there had been times when he had seen people in Knocturn Alley. But they always glanced at him once before going back to whatever they were doing.

That day, though, Haruka could tell something was different. There weren’t more people than usually, but they stared at him for longer than what he was used to.

After almost a whole minute being scrutinised, his whole body so tense Haruka was scared his spine would snap, however, they stopped paying attention to him. They turned toward a narrow street and started clapping, and Haruka's breath hitched when he found the reason.

Death Eaters.

At least a dozen of them, hooded and hiding their face behind metallic masks, eyes glinting behind narrow slits. Haruka scanned each and every one of them, not knowing whether he wanted to find someone he knew.

People cheered at the Death Eaters as they walked, undoubtedly, towards the passage that lead to Diagon Alley; there were more masked people coming out the nearby buildings, joining them. Something told Haruka he had to warn the Order, but he couldn't take his eyes off a masked person who had just gotten out of a building and walked a bit behind, pointed teeth partially showing between slightly parted lips.

If Rin had seen him, he didn't show it. Perhaps his movements were stiff, his steps mechanical, but he didn’t turn around, and it was impossible to tell what he was looking at from behind his mask.

Haruka took deep breaths, trying to keep still and not grab Rin’s arm and take him somewhere nobody could find them. He shook his head and Disapparated from Knocturn Alley a second after he heard someone screaming, but the questions he couldn’t answer kept repeating in his mind even when he walked into the Order headquarters.

“Death Eaters,” he blurted the second he stepped into the building.

Only Nao and Makoto were there at the moment; they were sitting around the table, but looked up with surprise.

“What?”

“They came from Knocturn Alley and went to Diagon Alley. Maybe they need supplies of some sort, or…” Haruka trailed off, wondering why Voldemort would want to attack such an emblematic place. He gave up immediately, though. He couldn’t think, not when he had seen Rin with those people.

“Or they feel like wreaking havoc,” Makoto suggested. “Many shops there belong to muggle-borns.”

_Why are you with them?_

“Wait for a second, I’ll ask for reinforcements,” Nao pulled out his wand; what looked like a silvery arrow shoot off and through the wall. “Let’s go.”

_What are you doing?_

“Haru, are you coming?”

Haruka looked at Makoto, blinking as he realised his friend had already called him several times. A cold hand tightened around his stomach as he nodded.

_Are you really one of them?_

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

A brief glance around proved Makoto’s theory had been the right one.

Haruka scrunched his noise in disgust at the smell; many shops were burning, and the few that weren’t had been wrecked; hexes and curses flew around as shopkeepers tried to defend themselves and their businesses.

Haruka ran between customers and Death Eaters, narrowly dodging jinxes as he looked around, looking for those pointed teeth. He didn’t have any luck; he could barely keep the attackers at bay, and it wasn’t long until the fight left Diagon Alley covered by smoke.

Not only Haruka couldn’t see anything farther from three metres; the smoke made him tear up, forcing him to blink often. He stopped in his tracks and looked around, trying to discern something. At times he caught glimpses of people, but he guessed they were as lost as he was; there were people screaming for someone to clear the alley with magic, children calling for their parents, curses–

And then Haruka saw him, saw his hair now that his hoodie had fallen back, and he muttered his name as he ran the few meters separating them.

“Rin!”

Rin turned around abruptly, pointing his wand towards Haruka. His mask has fallen, too; or maybe he had taken it off; and even though Haruka loathed that thing, for a second he wished Rin hid his face again.

He looked scary. Haruka had raised his own wand and was ready for a duel if he needed to, but he stepped back when he took in Rin’s face.

The skin of his cheeks had sunk during the months Haruka hadn’t seen him; his eyes looked too big, bulging and dull on his gaunt face. He looked like he hadn’t slept for a week, the hand holding his wand trembling almost too much to even properly use it.

He didn’t even look completely alive.

“What happened to you?” Haruka exhaled.

“Me?” Rin’s tone was guarded, with a hint of hysteria. His eyes never met Haruka’s. “What do _you_ want?”

“To talk.” Haruka swallowed; Rin looked even more closed off. “You– You can’t be doing this because you want to…”

“So what if I am?” Rin grabbed his wand tighter. “It’s not any of your business. I told you, didn’t I?”

There it was again. Haruka bit the inside of his cheeks.

“You can’t be killing people. You can’t kill _anything_.”

Dodging Rin’s spell was almost too easy. Haruka squinted, trying to discern if there was anyone else near them. It was impossible to tell.

“What if I can? Most of them aren’t even proper wizard and witches.”

An Impediment jinx left Haruka’s own wand. Rin deflected it with a fick of his hand.

“Is that a proper spell for you?” For the first time, Rin looked at Haruka in the eyes. “Or do you need me to have magical relatives?”

“ _Stupefy_!” Haruka deflected the attack, surprised by hearing it out loud. Was Rin too unsettled to do nonverbal magic? “You can’t tell me what I can or cannot do,” Rin hissed. “So stop chasing me and hide before they catch you.”

“You can’t boss me around either.” Haruka took a step towards Rin. “This is absurd. And you don’t even like it–”

“What do you know?” Rin cut him off. “This is what I chose. Why would you _care_?”

“Because I–”

“Haru?” Both Haruka and Rin jumped at Makoto’s voice, and Haruka turned his head towards the sound. “Haru, are you alright?”

“Yeah, here.” Haruka looked at Rin again, but there was nothing where his friend had been.

Makoto reached him, sighing in relief. He frowned when Haruka didn’t even acknowledge his presence, though.

“What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” Haruka shook his head, staring at the ground as Makoto sighed in relief. “I’m glad. So far we’ve only managed to catch two people, but they didn’t have the Mark, so they are just supporters; Aki and the others are late…” Makoto placed his hand on Haruka’s shoulder cautiously. “You sure you’re alright?”

Haruka shook his head again. “I saw Rin.”

Makoto didn’t reply immediately.

“Is he fine?” he finally asked.

Little by little, the smoke lifted to show what the Death Eaters had done. But Haruka could barely see his surroundings; they didn’t matter.

“He was with them.”

Maybe Makoto didn’t know everything, but he knew enough to not keep asking, squeezing Haruka’s shoulder instead.

 

 

 


	3. Monsters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note there's a new tag; it's for later chapters, but keep it in mind.

 

 

 

 

It took half a month for Diagon Alley to recover from the attack; and even after that people were scared of showing up there. The already depressing atmosphere got even worse; fear and distrust thickened the air until breathing became nearly impossible.

Haruka only knew Diagon Alley was recovering its liveliness because Makoto had told him; he had been there only once after the quarrel, and didn’t want to go back there in a while. Not even learning Quality Quidditch Supplies had reopened convinced Haruka.

He spent his free time in the piece of land he’d spent many summers as a child, a cherry tree field where he used to play quidditch with his friends. His old broom wasn´t as fast as it had been, but it didn’t matter; there, far from towns, people and war, Haruka could pretend nothing was wrong, if only for a short while.

A shorter while than he would have liked, he thought when he heard a loud crack from somewhere between the trees. He opened his eyes at the grey sky and sat up on his broom, only slightly worried until he spotted Makoto walking towards a clearing.

“I knew you’d be here.”

Haruka flew towards his friend and stopped just centimetres above the ground, but he didn’t get off his broom.

“What happened?”

Makoto avoided his gaze, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

“It’s… well, Rin.” Haruka tilted his head to the side, interested. “There was a raid this morning in Hogsmeade and– uh, Aki recognised him.”

“Has he been arrested?”

Makoto shook his head. “But Nao and Seijuurou want to talk to you.”

Haruka frowned, his grip on the broomstick tightening.

“Me? Why?”

“Because you… Well, you’re closer to him, and–”

“I’m not.”

A sigh escaped Makoto’s lips. He ran a hand through his brown hair.

“Yet it was you the one he talked to the other day, wasn’t it?”

“You…” Haruka narrowed his eyes, finally understanding Makoto’s uneasiness. “You told them?” Makoto didn’t answer. “Why? Now they’ll–”

“Haru, just listen to them,” Makoto whispered, his voice almost pleading. “I’m sorry, I-I didn’t mean to say it, okay?”

Haruka took a deep breath. He rarely had reasons to be angry with Makoto, and he didn’t know how to deal with it. So he bit down what would have probably been a hurtful reply and nodded.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Makoto knew Haruka wouldn’t cooperate the second they sat at the table.

There were many people, too many for Haruka to feel any semblance of calm. It wasn’t just Seijuurou and Nao; Natsuya, the Yazaki siblings, Satomi… They were all there; even Kisumi, who often missed their meetings because he found most of them boring, had attended, and he was staring at Haruka as if he wanted to open a hole through his skull and see his thoughts.

“So,” Seijuurou started after Haruka mumbled a short –and probably not completely true– summary of his conversation with Rin two weeks ago, “your friend Matsuoka is now a Death Eater.”

Haruka’s back tensed.

“He just was with them.”

Sitting between Natsuya and Seijuurou, Nao sighed.

“The point is he must know better than us about Voldemort’s whereabouts.” Everyone in the room shuddered at that name. “If we could get him to collaborate with us instead…”

“He won’t.”

“Maybe not immediately,” Seijuurou pointed, “but if you try for some time, maybe you could…”

Haruka stood up so abruptly his chair fell behind him.

“No.”

“Why not? You just said he didn’t try any serious spell,” Kisumi chirped in.

Makoto could almost hear Haruka mentally kicking himself. Pointing out that Rin wasn’t as dangerous as a Death Eater had seemed like a good idea, but now it had turned against him.

“I can’t fool Rin.” Haruka turned around, not even sparing a glance before walking out of the room. Makoto knew he wasn’t talking just about the dubious ethics of the request.

Seijuurou groaned.

“Kids,” he hissed, even though he was barely one year older than Haruka and Makoto. He didn’t speak again until they heard Haruka slamming the front door shut; Makoto narrowed his eyes when Seijuurou looked at him. “Can’t you convince him?”

Makoto found himself shaking his head before Seijuurou finished the question.

“If Haru has made his mind, there’s no way to change it.”

Natsuya leant back on his chair.

“At least give it a try.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Makoto’s visit wasn’t a surprise.

He didn’t talk much, though; he just sat under a cherry tree and watched Haruka’s pirouettes in the air as the sky darkened and shy stars slowly appeared above them, not breaking the silent comfort his presence had brought. Haruka was still angry, but he was also grateful for the calm he always felt when his best friend was close.

It was Haruka the one who broke the silence. He landed and walked towards Makoto to sit next to him.

“Did you come because they asked you to?”

Makoto sighed.

“No. Well, they _did_ ask me to convince you to trick Rin, but I'm not here to talk about that.I came to…” He bit his lip. “Don’t get me wrong, but… why do you insist on protecting Rin?” Haruka frowned. “I miss him too. But… it’s clear he’s made his choice.”

Haruka’s hands closed into fists.

“It’s not him.” He repeated the same words he’d been telling himself for years. “It’s because he started to hang out with Mucilber and Avery– They made him…”

“Rin isn’t a child.” Makoto intertwined his fingers. “He knows what he’s doing, he knows his friends kill people…” He trailed off. “Do you think– Do you think he’s a Death Eater?” he asked suddenly, and Haruka’s entire body froze. “He wouldn’t take the Mark… would he?”

Haruka wondered if the night was dark enough to allow him to lie.

“No.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 _His steps echoed on the tiled floor, his silhouette reflecting in the mirrors as he walked resolutely towards his goal; though it_ _felt_ _more like Rin himself was pulling at him._

 _Only Rin hadn’t even realised Haruka was a few steps from him. Too busy washing his hands, he didn’t notice_ _his presence_ _until Haruka stopped behind him, close enough for him to discern his features_ _in the mirror_ _._

_His low growl reverberated in the silent bathroom._

“ _You again?”_

_Haruka steeled himself. He wasn’t sure why he kept trying. “Me again.”_

“ _You’re wasting your time. I don’t care.”_

“ _I do.”_

_Rin turned around, letting out a hollow laugh that made Haruka feel cold._

“ _Sure._ Now _you care.” Haruka didn’t move. “Look, maybe you don’t get it– your parents are muggles, after all. But… some things can’t be achieved just diplomatically.”_

“ _So it's better_ _torturing and killing people_ _instead_ _?”_

_Rin shook his head._

“ _Who cares about them? They’re just mud––“ He bit his lip, but Haruka knew the insult hadn’t echoed only in his head. “Leave it already.”_

“ _You can’t think that,” Haruka stated, barely aware he was rising his voice. “You aren’t– you weren’t like that.”_

“ _Breaking news: people change.”_

“ _So change back.”_

“ _Why should I? Because you ask me?” Rin raised an eyebrow. “Don’t be so arrogant.”_

 _Haruka would never know when it was that he lost his temper. Maybe it was when Rin almost insulted him. Maybe earlier. Maybe it was exactly when Rin dared refer to his worry as_ arrogance _. He only realised, too late, that he was grabbing Rin’s green tie._

“ _Why,” he snarled, “can’t you see it?”_

_Rin’s fingers closed around Haruka’s own blue tie, pulling him closer as he bared his teeth, looking more like a rabid animal than the person Haruka wanted back._

“ _What’s there to see? This is what you think:_ _I don't think my friends are perfect or innocent;_ _so why does it bother you now? Why–”_

_Whatever was left of the question came out as a muffled noise. Despite the dim sunlight filtering thrugh the high windows of the room, Haruka could see clearly Rin’s astonished expression, eyes wide and brighter than they’d been in months. Part of himself was worried Rin jinxed him, but Haruka couldn’t bring himself to care, not when his lips pressed roughly against Rin’s –dry, chapped, trembling._

_He didn’t know what else to_ do _, how to make Rin understand that he mattered, that Haruka would_ _sell his soul_ _to have the loud, annoying redhead he loved back._

_It took Rin several seconds to react; and when he did, Haruka was surprised to feel a tug to his tie as Rin tentatively sucked at his lower lip. Haruka supposed he would need to breathe again at some point, but he was convinced the lack of air wasn’t the only reason his head was spinning._

_He let his eyes close as he inhaled through his nose, trying to mimic what Rin had just done –because it was the only thing he could do, because Haruka could tell Rin wasn’t any better at this that him–, grabbing the forearm that had pulled him close._

_But then, Haruka froze. He tightened his grip on Rin’s arm, but threw his head back to stop the kiss._

“ _What’s that?”_

_Haruka’s voice was barely a whisper, his eyes fixed on the black blur on Rin’s inner left forearm, partially covered by his own fingers. He could only see a bit of it; the rest seemed to be hidden under Rin’s rolled up sleeve._

It’s not.

You’re not.

You wouldn’t.

_Rin struggled for some seconds before freeing his arm from Haruka’s grip, protectively clutching it as if he’d just been burnt._

“ _Leave,” he hissed._

“ _Is that–”_

Please, say it isn’t.

“ _Haru,_ leave _.”_

“ _You did it,” Haruka breathed out as it finally dawned on him, taking a wobbly step back. It wasn’t just Rin hanging out with bullies. What he had in his arm–_

“ _Get out of here!”_

“ _Why?”_

“ _Because I wanted to,” Rin replied, trying to regain his composure. “Will you leave me alone now?”_

_Haruka tried to think. He couldn’t, not when Rin had sworn to kill him and people like him. He licked his lips; they tasted bitter._

_The person before him was a stranger. That wasn’t Rin; Haruka couldn’t remember the last time he had seen the Rin he treasured, the Rin from before he drifted away from them and turned into_ that _. What Haruka was seeing was a young Death Eater who would become a murderer as soon as he got out of Hogwarts._

“ _You’re disgusting,” Haruka managed to say,_ _and maybe he meant it_ _. “I hope you have fun being a monster.”_

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They had arrived too late.

Again.

Haruka did his best too focus on the argument between Natsuya and Nao, breathed through his mouth, but it wasn’t enough to ignore the nauseating stench radiating from the three corpses. What had once been an old woman and her two daughters lay immobile on the cold floor of their living room, their terrified expressions clear despite the blood covering most of their skin.

He gritted his teeth and walked out of the room; he had seen enough, and he could hear Makoto coughing and throwing up the mackerel he’d had for dinner. It was almost laughable, the fact that Makoto was studying to be a Healer yet hated the sight of dead people so much.

“You can go outside,” Haruka muttered. The smell of blood was unbearable even in the hallway, even though the house was big. It was like the whole building reeked of death.

Makoto shook his head feebly. “I’m fine.”

Haruka opened his mouth to insist, but he never got to say anything. Both he and Makoto turned to the faint sound of steps coming from the other side of the house, freezing on the spot.

“Tell the others,” Haruka muttered.

He lit up his wand and walked through the corridor, looking around and paying attention to any sound he might hear. Haruka registered every room he found, but stopped abruptly when he entered the kitchen and someone giggled right behind him.

The spell hit Haruka before he could even turn around, throwing him on the countertop as his shoulder and head slammed into the wall. He grunted, blindly swishing his wand, and couldn’t help a little smirk when someone let out a pained cry. He looked up and found a masked man, apparently unconscious, laying against the doorframe.

Haruka recognised Makoto’s worried voice, but he didn’t answer; there were three people running on the corridor.

Not even sparing a glance at his sore shoulder or a thought to the blood trickling down his forehead, Haruka jumped to the floor to chase the other Death Eaters. They arrived to the neglected backyard that had become a miniature forest lit by a Dark Mark engraved on the sky; Haruka held his wand over his head, trying to discern something; he heard at least two cracks, though it was difficult to tell; there was too much adrenalin running in his system for him to feel pain, but his sight was slightly blurred and he could only turn towards the sound of people Disapparating nearby.

“What did I tell you?” Haruka saw the ray of red light just in time to deflect it; he recognised the shadow approaching him by the voice coming from it. “Why won’t you stop chasing Death Eaters?” Another ray; Haruka stepped to the side, out of its way. “They will be _thrilled_ if you give them the chance to kill you.”

“Like you killed the women inside the house?” Haruka spat. He felt like throwing up when he noticed the man before him was wearing a silvery mask. “Did you enjoy it, Rin?”

Rin growled, and acted too fast for Haruka; he managed to dodge some spells, but a red light passed grazing at his arm and his wand jumped out of his hand. Haruka could barely blink before he felt the tip of Rin’s wand pressing against his throat.

“For the last time,” he snarled from behind the mask, “stop sticking your nose. Or–”

“Have you seen your sister lately?” Haruka interrupted. He couldn’t see Rin’s eyes, but he stared at the slits nonetheless.

“Gou? She doesn’t have anything to–”

“It’d be nice if we flew together again.”

It took Rin a second to react; but when he did, he was so bewildered he almost sounded like the airheaded teenager he had once been.

“Are you dumb?” Haruka smiled in answer. “This is a war, we’re in different sides– and you want to _fly_?”

But Rin’s wand was now just barely brushing Haruka’s neck.

“Just once. Next Sunday or something.”

“What are you–”

Rin was cut off by a red ray of light flying right over Haruka’s shoulder, barely centimetres away from his ear. It hit him, and sent him flying backwards three metres until he fell on the ground.

“Haru! Are you okay?” Haruka closed his eyes briefly at the comforting weight of Makoto’s warm hand on his shoulder, but opened them again when his friend let out a gasp.

Despite Haruka’s growing sickness, the world regained its clarity momentarily. He could see Rin sitting up on the ground. Out of the corner of his eye he caught a glimpse of Makoto’s shocked expression.

And he noticed Rin’s mask had fallen.

“Rin?!”

Rin’s wand laid not too far from his hand, but he didn’t seem to realise. He gaped at his former friends, mimicking Makoto’s expression.

“So you’re really…” Makoto trailed off. Haruka could hear more people approaching them. “How long until you get that thing in your arm?” he asked, and he sounded terribly sorry.

“’Until’?” Rin glanced briefly at Haruka, his hand crawling towards his wand. “Did you really keep it to yourself?”

“Huh?”

Haruka shook his head, stared at the ground; tried not to let Rin’s mocking tone get to him. He knew how Rin sounded when he felt cornered.

A loud crack made him look up again, only to find Rin was gone.

 

 

 

 


	4. Flight

 

 

 

 

“Since when did you know?”

The question left Makoto’s lips softly, so quietly it gave Haruka the chance to pretend he hadn’t heard his friend. It was on purpose, of course; but it didn’t feel forced, the same way the soft taps with the gauze on Haruka’s forehead were just natural. Haruka knew Makoto wouldn’t judge him no matter what he answered, no matter his words were a lie; and maybe that truth was what hurt the most. Makoto should be angry, not cleaning his wound.

Haruka also knew Makoto wasn’t the only member of the Order interested in Rin, and his friend wouldn’t stand the pressure of them asking and would end up telling them. He didn’t feel any resentment, though; besides, there wasn't much he could do to embellish reality at that point. He just wanted to be honest with Makoto for once.

“When Rin started avoiding us, I tried to talk to him.” It felt so far away, like it had been ages since Haruka finished his last year at Hogwarts. “Before the N.E.W.T.s I found him in the sixth floor bathroom. And I saw it.” Haruka’s finger drew the shape of the disgusting tattoo on his inner left forearm. He had been horrified when he had seen it for the first time, but now it was etched on his retinas; he usually saw it engraved onto the sky before finding people whose only crime, like his own, had been existing.

Haruka sometimes forgot he had found Rin’s Dark Mark only seconds after kissing him. It was hard thinking the stiffened, unsettled boy that had kissed him back was the same person working for a wizard that wanted to slaughter people like Haruka and wouldn't even give a proper explanation.

His lips still tasted bitter, even after three months.

It shouldn’t have been like that.

Makoto’s hand, previously holding Haruka’s fringe off his forehead, fell to the side. Haruka hissed when his hair fell on the wound, but didn’t ask his friend to fix it with magic. It would heal on his own, and it wasn’t even serious.

“He did it… even before we left Hogwarts?” Makoto asked weakly.

Haruka didn’t move. “I should’ve noticed sooner.”

“It was Rin who chose to befriend Mucilber and Avery,” Makoto reminded him. The statement didn’t do anything to ease Haruka’s guilt.

He just looked at his friend, voicing the question he had been wondering for years.

“If he had us, why did he do that?”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Working at Flourish and Blotts was usually easy.

The problem came when some lunatics decided to set half of Diagon Alley on fire.

Now, Sousuke was stressed. The book shop had had to order a copy of every book that had burnt (which meant _most of them_ ), and organizing them was a pain. Even more so since his new boss was muggle-born and, therefore, loved unnecessary work.

Sousuke had never really understood why anyone would rather waste energy rather than be more efficient with just a flick of a wand.

His back hurt when they finally closed down the shop; he just wanted to go to bed and sleep for eight hours and maybe write a letter for Rin. Not that he hoped Rin would write back. Lately Sousuke didn’t even know if his friend actually read his letters; the last one Gou had sent Sousuke said Rin had barely been home for the whole summer.

Sousuke was thinking about asking Rin's mother about her son when he entered the Leaky Cauldron. However, his musings were interrupted when an arm slid around his shoulder and the most annoying person he had ever met practically dragged him towards the counter.

“…so long! I missed you, you know; not hearing you snoring every night gave me insomnia, so…”

Kisumi,” Sousuke grunted, “get off me.”

Kisumi smirked as his arm fell to his side.

“Aren’t you happy to see me?”

“No.” Though it _was_ good knowing he was fine. Lately, the Death Eaters had been unusually active. “What do you want?”

Kisumi didn’t answer immediately; he ordered two Firewhiskeys and insisted on toasting ‘for the good times’ Sousuke couldn’t quite remember.

“So, Sousuke,” he started, and his tone got serious, devoid of all playfulness, “have you seen Rin lately?”

Sousuke’s fingers tensed around his glass before he shook his head. “I haven’t seen him since we finished Hogwarts,” he admitted.

“It’s a pity.” Kisumi pouted. “But he was acting weird even before, right?”

Sousuke tried to ignore the pang of jealousy caused by the memories. He knew it was silly; he had felt betrayed when Rin chose Mucilber over him, but had never said anything about it. It wasn't like Rin had ever stopped talking to him during their years at Hogwarts, either; he had just made more friends that required his attention.

“He has his own way of doing things,” he eventually muttered.

Kisumi downed the rest of his Firewhiskey. “Like becoming a Death Eater?” he asked calmly.

Sousuke froze.

“What?”

Kisumi bit his lip, looking down.

“He was involved in the attack to Diagon Alley,” he muttered, “and he also was in a house where Death Eaters had tortured and killed three women.”

“That’s not true,” Sousuke blurted out. It was absurd; it didn’t make sense. Rin wasn’t able to hurt a fly.

“There were witnesses.”

“It wasn’t him.” Sousuke refused to believe Rin could do such things. Sure, he had distanced himself from everyone, but that didn’t mean he was a criminal. It was more likely that he was having some sort of late adolescence crisis.

But Kisumi kept staring at his empty glass. He wasn’t smiling.

“I was asked to investigate you, since you two were good friends,” he admitted quietly. “But I guess you know nothing. I’m sorry.”

Sousuke could only look at his friend as he paid for the two Firewhiskeys and walked out the pub.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Haruka was expecting to be the centre of attention, but it didn’t make the experience any better.

He hadn’t felt relieved when Nao and Natsuya had announced, after coming back from the triple crime scene, that they all needed to rest; he had known then that what they really wanted was for him to clear his mind so they got all the information they needed.

“So he’s actually a Death Eater? With Dark Mark and all?” Haruka nodded, not knowing what else to do, denying it at that point would have been ridiculous. Seijuurou fell silent for some minutes. “But for some reason he seems prone to talk to you.”

“He only tells me to stay away,” Haruka muttered.

“It’s still more than what anyone else can get from him. And we only need for him to talk to you until we catch him, then–”

Haruka’s head snapped up.

“What?”

Nao and Natsuya looked at each other and sighed.

“Look, Nanase, I know he was your friend,” Seijuurou started. “But he’s now a Death Eater. An _enemy_. We can’t let you two chase each other forever in the middle of a war–”

“So what do you want to do? Forcing Rin to talk?” Haruka pursed his lips together. “That’s not different from what _they_ do.”

“Haru…” Haruka turned towards Makoto. “I think– I mean, maybe it’s not the best course of action, but making _Rin_ , out of all people, talk doesn’t seem difficult–”

“No,” Haruka closed his hands into fists. He had been in the Order long enough to know what kind of methods to make people talk were used during times of war. And Rin had become a, almost complete stranger to him, but Haruka could at least tell he was unhappy; he wouldn’t betray him like that.

_Although he’s already betrayed you by joining the Death Eaters._

Haruka swallowed his doubts as he stood up and walked out of the room. He was aware having Rin with them would help him realise working for Voldemort had probably been the stupidest idea he could have thought about, but doing it against his will was wrong; besides, he wouldn’t allow anyone to hurt Rin in exchange for information.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Makoto sighed as Haruka slammed the door shut. He hadn’t expected anything else. Haruka tended not to reason whenever Rin was involved.

“Okay, now.” Seijuurou ran his fingers through his hair; Makoto tore his gaze off the door and looked at him. “Tachibana, Nanase can’t hear a word about this.”

“About _what_?”

“Shigino,” Kisumi sat upright, “follow Nanase until you find out something about Matsuoka. Also, keep an eye on his friend…”

“Sousuke,” Kisumi reminded him. He didn’t look happy with his task.

“But that’s not–” Makoto started, only to be interrupted.

“We need information and right now Matsuoka is the easiest resource,” Seijuurou explained. “I don’t care Nanase wants his secret love story; he’s a Death Eater.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

That Sunday, Haruka Disapparated from the house he shared with Makoto before his friend woke up.

Makoto hadn’t told him anything, but Haruka didn’t need him to. He hadn’t expected the Order would give up the chance of interrogating Rin, and he knew the reason Makoto acted so weird around him was that he knew what the others were up to.

Haruka wasn’t even sure Rin would show up; he knew his friend had understood the offer, and he was aware Rin would be able to go to the cherry tree field if he wanted to– but there were thousands of things that could go wrong. Or Rin might simply stand him up.

But he had to try; he wouldn’t give up without doing everything he could to bring Rin back.

That was why he filled his bag with grilled mackerel, rice and a water bottle, grabbed his broom and materialised in the place that brought so many memories to him.

He felt watched; he had known someone was following him since he refused to fool Rin for the Order’s sake, but Haruka wasn’t nervous. It was dawn, and he was planning to spend the whole day there. It would make whoever was watching him get tired and leave _and_ give Haruka time to soothe his nerves and make up his mind about what he wanted to tell Rin. It was probably their last chance to sort things out– and Haruka wouldn’t waste it.

Haruka spent the morning flying over the trees, enchanting stones so they moved around and pursuing them. He managed to forget his stalker for a while; and when he closed his eyes and focused he could hear the wind whistling as Rin caught up with him as he had done in dozens of quidditch matches. Haruka never let the Rin in his imagination beat him, though.

If the real Rin were going to appear, Haruka wouldn’t let him win, either. But he really yearned for a competition with him.

At midday Haruka landed and ate his mackerel and rice, sharpening his ears. He was fairly sure whoever was watching him had gotten bored, but he didn’t know if he was alone.

Haruka got tired of chasing stones by mid-afternoon. He laid on the broomstick staring at the sky instead, watching as its blue slowly darkened and the sun stopped warming him. By the time it disappeared behind the mountains, Haruka was shivering, refusing to land despite there were already stars in the firmament. At least Haruka was now almost sure that nobody was watching him.

But Rin– where was he?

 _Maybe killing more muggle-borns_.

_Maybe he’s told his friends to deal with you instead._

_Maybe he just doesn’t want to have anything to do with you anymore._

Haruka shook his head. It was more likely that Rin had just forgotten, wasn’t it?

“So you were serious.”

Haruka almost fell from his broom in his hurry to turn around. He didn’t mind, though, not when he saw Rin sitting on his own, a cautious look in his eyes and exhaustion taking over his entire form, but there.

Haruka flew closer to him, even though Rin looked even worse than the last time they’d seen each other; he was deathly pale, his clothes too loose on him. It was as if an invisible illness was eating away at him, so painful to watch Haruka had to fight the urge to look down.

“You came,” he noted.

Rin made a noise that cold have been a chuckle any other time. Now it sounded more like a dying animal.

“I thought you hated stating the obvious.” Haruka shook his head, not agreeing or denying the claim. “Are you alone?”

“Yes.”

Rin pulled at a red lock falling on his face. “And what did you tell me to come here for?”

Despite the cold, Haruka’s broom felt warm when he gripped it tighter.

“Talking to you. Again, yes.” Rin frowned. “You aren’t happy.”

“I– what?”

Haruka exhaled slowly. “Being a Death Eater. It involves doing things you don’t like.” It was a mere guess, yet Haruka went on anyway. “But you just keep doing it. Why?”

Rin huffed, already out of patience.

“Did you just want to say it again? Firstly, it’s not any of your business. Secondly–”

“It is.”

Rin narrowed his eyes.

“Secondly,” he carried on, ignoring the interruption, “it’s not like you’re happy being Dumbledore’s pet either.”

Haruka tensed up. He didn’t want to admit that Rin was, to a certain extent, right.

“But I know _why_ I chose it,” he retorted. “And I don’t regret it.”

For some seconds, Rin didn’t move. He lowered his head, hair covering his expression, and Haruka felt the need to remove the space between them and push red strands back. Seeing Rin like that didn’t hurt as much as not seeing him.

“And what if…” Rin sighed. “What if you regretted it? Could you resign and go on with your life?”

He was trembling, and Haruka wasn't sure it was due to the cold.

“What would happen if _you_ resigned?”

Rin didn’t answer immediately. A blast of wind blew his hair off his face, but when Haruka looked at him after shrinking to protect himself from the cold Rin was further, his expression unreadable in the darkness looming over them.

“You wanted to fly, didn’t you?”

“Rin.”

But Rin flew even further away, pulling out his wand and pointing it to the ground. Haruka looked around as rounded stones as big as his fist rose around them and started flying in apparently random patterns.

“There are twelve of them. The one who catches more wins.”

Haruka gritted his teeth together, an old annoyance making its way within his chest. “Don’t go off on a tangent. I asked you–”

“I’ll answer if you win,” Rin promised, putting his wand back in his pocket. “ _And_ you’ll answer to whatever I ask if I win.”

And Haruka could only believe him, not because Rin had done much to earn it, but because he was eighteen too and being serious because of the war all the time was exhausting; and so he accepted the challenge, flying over the cherry trees in search of the stones even though it was hard to see anything. He counted aloud whenever he caught one, and could hear Rin doing the same; and for a moment they were just two immature friends playing a stupid game.

It was silly, but it was also real; and the real Rin was brighter and faster than the one in Haruka’s head, making his stomach turn upside down with a more intense excitement.

“Seven!” he screamed triumphantly at last, turning around to see Rin, who only looked mildly frustrated. Haruka let himself enjoy the childish satisfaction caused by beating his friend, smirking despite he knew he hadn’t _actually_ won anything.

What Haruka’s victory implied took a few seconds to be noted; it dawned on them both at the same time, and Rin dropped the five stones he had collected, shoulders slumped as the child Haruka had caught a glimpse of disappeared again beneath the bitter young man he had become.

Haruka couldn’t help but ask about something different, though:

“What would have you asked if you had won?”

Rin looked up.

“I’ve lost. So it doesn’t matter.”

Haruka wanted to insist, but the unmistakable sound of people Apparating startled them both. Rin shot him an inquisitive glance, soon focusing on the figures walking into a clearing between the cherry trees. Haruka recognised them right away.

“At last we find you,” Seijuurou said. He, Natsuya and Kisumi pointed his wands at them. “Now land, you two; we need to talk, mostly to Matsuoka.”

Rin grunted. “Weren’t you alone? What’s this about?”

“I was,” Haruka admitted softly. He didn’t know what to do; flying away didn’t seem a good idea, despite it wouldn’t be difficult.

“There are more people,” Kisumi pointed out, as if he had read his mind. “Both on brooms and on the ground. It’d be wiser if you just–”

“No.” Haruka flew higher. He looked around despite he was fairly sure he wouldn’t see anyone; they were probably hidden under a Disillusionment charm. “Torture anyone else.”

“Torture?” Rin repeated. “Aren’t you supposed to be the good guys?”

Haruka wondered if they would be able to Disapparate. Or at least, if Rin could. It took a considerable effort to cast an Anti-Apparition charm; and the Order surely hadn’t had much time to plan that ambush. He flew in circles until he found himself right beside Rin.

“Disapparate,” he mumbled.

“What about you?”

Haruka shrugged.

“Now!”

It wasn’t Haruka the one who said it, but Seijuurou; Haruka noticed the three rays of light coming from three different spots towards him and Rin, though.

He pushed Rin to the side with all his might, out of the point the three spells would hit. Rin grunted something that sounded like a string of swear words as he struggled to keep his balance on the broom.

“Are you mad? Don’t you know that–”

Haruka never heard what he didn’t know. He just felt something cold hitting his shoulder, then both of his sides, saw the ground coming to meet him as consciousness left him.

 

 

 

 


	5. Friends

 

 

 

 

 _Flying so low his feet almost grazed the grass shouldn’t have been considered_ flying.

_Haruka had never flown before –even though he had known he was a wizard at a very young age, Makoto wasn’t fond of heights and his parents didn’t like brooms–, but he was already bored of going around in circles while Madam Hooch taught clumsy students how to hold on the broomstick without slipping._

_If he could at least talk to Makoto… But no; Hufflepuff and Gryffindor’s Flying class would take place next day, and Haruka doubted Makoto would even attend. If they had been together, Makoto would’ve accompanied him even though he didn’t like it, for sure; but that stupid old hat had separated them and now Haruka didn’t even want to make friends in the Ravenclaw Tower._

_“Hey, you!”_

_Haruka looked up just in time to see a boy stop his broom barely two metres from him. Instinctively he stopped, too._

_“You’re bored too, right?” The kid pushed his red hair out of his face, then kept talking without waiting for Haruka to answer, a bright smile on his face. “They are hopeless,” he muttered, pointing towards the other students with his head. Haruka noticed the boy’s green tie. “The one who just fell from his broom is Sousuke.” For some reason he seemed to think that Haruka minded, “and the one who is by his side– the one with light hair– is Kisumi. They’re my roommates.”_

_The redhead had something that made Haruka feel defensive. It wasn’t exactly displeasure; it was more like there was something dangerous hiding within that friendly attitude._

_“So what?” Haruka muttered._

_The boy didn’t seem impressed by Haruka’s forced indifference._

_“You’ve already gotten the hang of it, haven’t you?” Haruka didn’t answer. “Let’s race. To the Astronomy Tower.”_

_Haruka frowned. There was something about that boy that_ really _set him on edge._

_“Isn’t that forbidden?”_

_The friendly smile turned mischievous in the blink of an eye. “Only if Madam Hooch sees us. But if you’re a chicken, it’s fine. I’ll find someone els––”_

_Haruka knew nothing good would come from blatantly disobey the rules, but in that moment he just wanted that annoying boy to shut up. He wasn’t a coward, and he would win the race._

_He was wrong; in the end, nobody won. Madam Hooch caught them before they got to the fifth floor’s height, and they both got a week-long detention for such insolence. Haruka learnt the redhead was called Rin Matsuoka. He also learnt being with him wasn’t that bad, when he got used to the flips his stomach made whenever they were in the same room._

_Haruka never really stopped feeling like falling from his broom every time Rin said his name, though._

 

  

 

* * *

 

 

 

There were footsteps somewhere nearby, though Haruka couldn’t quite place them. The rhythmic tapping on the floor was barely enough to make him aware of the slumber he was trapped in; Haruka focused on the sound, wondering who the person constantly getting close to walk away again was.

Eventually Haruka regained more self-awareness as new sensations came to him. He felt warm, though the fabric covering him brushed his chin and made it itch; the air smelt like coffee; the other person’s breathing was ragged, hitching every now and then. It was such a terrified sound it made Haruka scared, too.

He couldn’t find the strength to move, though, until cold fingers brushed his cheek. Haruka frowned and turned his head to the side until the contact disappeared and the breathing he heard turned into a voice.

“Haru? Hey– You awake?”

“Rin?”

Haruka opened his eyes, finding Rin’s face barely centimetres away from his own. He must have realised it, too, because he drew back a bit, giving Haruka some space. Rin then sighed, and the tense lines on his shoulders, visible even under his clothes, relaxed the tiniest bit.

He looked more ill up close.

“I’m so glad,” he muttered, running his fingers through his hair.

Haruka blinked; Rin really sounded relieved. “Why?”

“Don’t you–” Rin trailed off. “Well, it doesn’t matter. Your friends from the Order found us and you got hit by three Stunning spells… And then I caught you so you didn’t crash on the ground and Disapparated to here.” Something that looked like a tiny smile appeared on Rin’s face. “I know they were just Stunning spells, but there were three; I was going to take you to St Mungo’s if you kept sleeping.”

As Rin spoke, what had happened seemed to replay in Haruka’s head. The day he had spent on the cherry tree field, the game and the Order. He had definitely gotten into trouble.

“Thank you,” he whispered. Rin looked away. “Where are we?” he asked then, because his head hurt and he didn’t want to keep thinking about things he couldn’t fix at the moment.

“In my flat,” Rin bit his lip. “Nobody can find us here, not even other Death Eaters. So we are safe.”

He probably intended to keep Haruka calm, but the sentence alone was a reminder of many other things that weren’t right.

Haruka sat up, pushing the itchy blanket aside as he glanced briefly through a small window and noticed it was still night-time.

“You didn’t answer.”

“Huh?” Rin, crouching next to the sofa Haruka was on, tilted his head to the side.

“My question. The others arrived, so you never answered.”

Rin stood up and walked away again.

“Doesn’t saving you from some broken bones make up for it?”

“Rin.”

“You should eat something.”

Haruka sighed. There it was; whenever he had the feeling he was finally getting closer to Rin, his friend backed away. It was clear that Rin was scared, but helping him would be impossible as long as he refused to say what was wrong.

He hadn’t kicked Haruka out yet, though.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Makoto could hardly keep his helplessness from spilling out as anger.

There was nothing the Order could do to locate Haruka and Rin. Since they had Disapparated –or, rather, since Rin had Disapparated with an unconscious Haruka–, they had left no trace they could use to know where they were. Kisumi had asked Sousuke about Rin, only to find he didn’t know where Rin currently lived, other than the fact that he wasn’t in his family house anymore.

Makoto wanted to think that Rin wouldn’t hurt Haruka. His friend had repeated several times that Rin hadn’t harmed him in the very least even after disarming him, but Haruka’s trust didn’t change the fact that he was a muggle-born and Rin had sworn to exterminate him and people like him the moment he had gotten his arm branded.

Although to be honest, what scared Makoto the most wasn’t the fact that Haruka and Rin were together itself, but what could happen if someone saw them. He knew Seijuurou’s patience with Haruka had long extinguished, that it would be way worse if someone from Rin’s side found the two of them together.

He sighed, leaning his head on the wall. The only thing he could do at the moment was waiting for Haruka to come back, and then helping him deal with the Order.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Rin’s flat wasn’t exactly warm and welcoming. It was tiny, with the minimum space for one bedroom, the bathroom, the kitchen and a living-dining room, and dark; no matter which room he went to, Haruka could see the dirty sky polluted by the industrial state nearby, and only opening the windows made him cough.

It wasn’t a place Haruka would have linked to Rin. Rin, loud, annoying, dazzling Rin, shouldn’t be living there. When he’d been asked, he had muttered about the place being cheap and somewhere nobody would come looking for him, but Haruka suspected that environment had also something to do with the state Rin was in. He himself felt like crying only from looking through the window for some minutes; the idea of spending more time there seemed like a nightmare.

Nonetheless, Rin was still as good at cooking as Haruka remembered; he ate his spaghetti without even complaining about the lack of fish in his food, focused on Rin’s movements. His friend was tense again, fiddling around with his pasta rather than eating, and Haruka guessed it was because he didn’t want him to ask that question again.

“Shouldn’t you go back?” Rin muttered when he finished, leaving his fork on the plate.

Haruka looked away.

“I should.” He heard a sigh.

“But you won’t because of some stupid reason that makes sense in your head, am I right?”

Haruka held his fork tighter.

“I would’ve left by now if you didn’t insist on avoiding questions.”

Rin made an exasperated noise and Haruka looked up.

“It won’t change anything even if you know,” he stated, standing up taking his plate to the kitchen. Haruka dropped his fork and followed Rin.

“But I want to.”

“Well, I don’t want to deal with them if they find out you know, so suck it up.” Rin put his plate in the sink and turned around. “You could at least help by bringing your own stuff, you know,” he remarked, looking at Haruka’s empty hands.

Haruka ignored the jibe. For the first time that night, he was angry.

“But I thought they were your friends.”

Rin froze. For a moment, his face showed something almost painful; but soon he regained a semblance of self-control. He pushed Haruka aside and walked back to the table.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“How come you’re scared of them?” Haruka followed Rin to the table and grabbed the glasses as Rin took the plate and the remaining cutlery. “Do you talk to them about something other than killing muggles and muggle-borns?”

“Haru, drop it,” Rin warned.

“Wouldn’t they understand if you chose not to help them anymore?” There was a loud noise when Rin dropped the plate in the sink. “Or do they care more about killing people than about you?”

“ _Haru_ –” But Haruka wasn’t done; he had been keeping so much inside for so long, so many questions Rin had never wanted to answer.

“Why would you hang out with people like that?” Haruka felt Rin’s glare as he left the glasses with the plates. “Are we really that awful?”

“Shut up!” Rin grabbed the collar Haruka’s sweatshirt, making him stumble back until his back hit the countertop. He looked scary, no longer trying to hold himself together, but Haruka wasn’t afraid of him. Because Rin wasn’t just angry; he was also terrified, desperate and cornered, and both of them knew it. “What do you want?” Rin shook Haruka, perhaps to conceal the tremor running through his own body. “To tell me I’ve been an utter idiot for the last years? That listening to them was wrong? I _already_ know that!” Haruka grabbed Rin’s wrists, finding his pulse with his thumbs as his friend lowered his head to hide his expression, one last attempt to run away. “Why do you pretend you _care_?” his voice broke, his hold on the fabric weakening.

Haruka’s hand found Rin’s chin, tentatively lifting it so that his friend looked at him.

“I’m not pretending.” Rin drew his eyebrows together, as if trying to solve a riddle. “I’m sorry I wasn’t clear enough.”

Next thing Haruka knew was he was trapped in Rin’s embrace, sliding down to the floor as Rin muffled his sobs in his shoulder. He fell on his knees, wrapping his arms around Rin and pulling him as close as he possibly could.

“I wanted…” Rin started, his voice vibrating through Haruka’s skin. “N–Nobody wanted to get near me; I was _so_ lonely, a-and they…” He shook his head, hugging Haruka tighter. “I’m sorry.”

Haruka rested his head on top of Rin’s, smiling despite himself. He didn’t like it when Rin cried; but now he could _see_ Rin in that sobbing mess, clearer and closer than he’d been for so long.

“It’s okay,” he muttered, but Rin closed his hands into fists, fingers digging into Haruka’s back.

“No, it isn’t. I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I called you… _that_. You’re the best wizard I’ve ever met and I’m an asshole.”

Haruka buried his nose into Rin’s hair.

“Just a bit,” he admitted.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Eventually crying tired Rin out. As he stayed in Haruka’s arms, he blurted out the first thing that came to his mind, which was usually an apology. Haruka let him talk despite he didn’t always agree; he didn’t know how long Rin had been poisoning himself with those thoughts, so he became an almost silent company, limiting himself to hold Rin and waiting for the moment when he’d ask him to stop.

That moment never came. Instead, Rin slowly turned around, resting his back on Haruka’s chest and his head on Haruka’s shoulder. Haruka was still hugging him, but Rin had caught one of his hands between his. His breathing had evened out, but his eyes were still red and puffy.

“Now you know,” he whispered; his voice was hoarse, tired. “Are you going to leave?”

Haruka shook his head. “Not until you accept help.”

He could feel Rin immediately tensing up.

“I’ve told you; it’s not just me. Gou and my mother–”

“The Order can protect them,” Haruka assured.

Rin shook his head.

“I won’t put them in danger.”

“But you’ll have to do awful things.”

Rin straightened up and turned around. “Look. I… I know it doesn’t change anything, but– I’ve never killed anyone. I just–” he lowered his head. “I’m just there, letting it happen, but… you were right, I can’t kill anything.”

He didn’t have a way to know the _relief_ Haruka felt when the meaning behind his words dawned on him.

Rin wasn’t a murderer.

Haruka smiled.

“I’m glad.”

For some seconds, Rin didn’t move. He then reached out to touch Haruka’s cheek, the same way he had hours ago; but now his fingers weren’t cold.

“Why won’t you leave me alone?” he muttered, and for the first time in years Haruka saw something new in his eyes. Hope. “You manage to make me think there’s a way to end this madness.”

“There is.” Haruka knew that much. “We just need to find it.”

 

 

 

 


	6. Tattoos and Divination

 

 

 

 

The morning was as grey as Haruka had guessed the night before. During day-time, Rin’s flat looked even more depressing; when darkness didn’t cover the polluted town there was nothing to hide the dull landscape: big, repetitive and boring concrete cubes apparently inhabited, tall and thin chimneys standing out behind the buildings and clouds whose rain wouldn’t feed any living being covering everything.

“Lovely, right?”

Haruka turned around to see Rin walking into the living-dining room. He didn’t look any better than last night; he only seemed less angry and more tired, but there was a sort of guardedness in his gestures that hadn’t been there before they went to sleep. It was as if he didn’t quite know how to act around Haruka after everything he had told him.

“You really should find a new place,” Haruka muttered. “Seeing this every day must be a cause of suicide.”

“I’ll keep it in mind if I ever get tired of being the Dark Lord’s puppet,” Rin grunted. Haruka frowned; his friend even sounded like a regular Death Eater. “Shouldn’t you leave? I bet Makoto is worried.”

Haruka bit his lip. Rin was definitely not fine.

“I won’t tell Voldemort, you know.”

Rin made a face.

“Good to know. I won’t either.”

Haruka sighed. He had thought they had made some progress, but Rin was shutting down again; if he kept trying to talk to him, they would end up arguing. “I’ve got to go, but I’ll come back here soon,” was what he finally said.

Rin nodded, staring at the floor.

“You don’t have to.”

“I know.” Haruka walked towards the apartment door. “But I want to.”

He knew he couldn’t Apparate in the building; Rin had really made sure nobody would find him there. So he climbed down the stairs, thinking of an excuse to avoid most of Makoto’s questions, and walked out the door as the perspective of having to face Seijuurou and the others almost gave him a headache.

“Haru!” Haruka looked up; Rin was leaning out the window, thin and pale and looking so _sick_ Haruka didn’t know whether he wanted to run to his side or Disapparate somewhere far away. But there was life in his eyes. “Do you really want to come back here?” Haruka nodded. “When?”

“As soon as the Order is done interrogating me.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

Haruka soon realised going to see Rin wouldn’t be so easy. For almost two hours, members of the Order were asking questions that ranked from a polite interest about his wellbeing after being hit by three Stunning spells at the same time to wanting to know Voldemort’s whereabouts.

“I don’t know,” he repeated for the sixth time. “I didn’t talk to Rin about Voldemort; besides, I don’t think he knows either.”

“Then what did you two talk about?”

“Personal matters.”

A collective sigh echoed in the big room. Haruka glanced at Makoto, silently asking for help.

Makoto, who had been both relieved and angry when Haruka had Apparated in their living room, who had hugged him so tight Haruka had been afraid he would break his ribs. He knew about Rin because the others had told him, but he had been more scared of the possibility of Death Eaters finding out Rin had helped him than of Rin himself. He hadn’t asked anything about him, though, seemingly satisfied with the information Haruka was willing to share.

“At least we now know we don’t have to worry about him,” he said. “He spent the whole night with Haru, but Haru is fine, right?”

Seijuurou snorted. It sounded like _don’t wanna know what they did last night_. Haruka pretended he hadn’t heard it, despite he felt his cheeks heating up.

“Talking to him would still be interesting,” Nao muttered.

“What for?”

“We have no idea how Death Eaters organise themselves. Even if he knows so little as Haruka keeps saying, he still knows more than us.”

“Can’t he do it?” Haruka supressed a huff. “Not even for you?”

Haruka’s hands closed into fists, though he couldn’t tell why. It could be because the last thing Rin needed in that moment was being manipulated again, but there was some hurt pride too; Haruka was sure he could get Rin to agree to _anything_ if he insisted enough.

“Rin does what _he_ wants,” he finally muttered, though.

A new sigh left everyone’s mouth.

“And I bet you don’t want us to chase him too,” Seijuuro guessed.

“Why would you?” Kisumi intervened; for a second Haruka felt glad he was on his part. “He’s not dangerous; he–”

“He is a Death Eater; and he’s only proven he won’t hurt Nanase. We can’t know if the rest of us are safe around him,” Seijuurou argued. “Actually, Nanase’s word is the only proof of his innocence we have; technically Matsuoka kidnapped him. If Matsuoka doesn’t collaborate, there’s no way to be sure he’s on our side. Voldemort could be planning on using him as spy for all we know.”

“That’s not true,” Makoto replied, and for the first time he seemed angry. “Rin isn’t our enemy.”

Seijuurou leant back on his chair.

“That’s the way it is. I won’t let a Death Eater here without a proof of his good intentions.”

 _Rin has no good intentions_ , Haruka wanted to reply. _He’s just scared_.

But the words never left his throat, and Seijuurou concluded the meeting after a tense silence.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

Rin didn’t have anything to do today.

It was… good, he supposed. There would be no muggle hunting. No cries, no death. No hating himself for letting it happen again.

But it also meant there wasn’t anything Rin could entertain himself with, either. He wanted to go to the cherry tree field, but he knew that after being caught there it wouldn’t be a good idea, and he didn’t know what the Order wanted from him, wouldn’t know until Haruka came back.

 _Haru_.

Haruka would come back.

Yes, that was definitely _good_. Very good; even though Rin didn’t know what to do with himself most of the time when Haruka was around, he had said he would come back. He had _promised_ it, so he would do it… he would, right? He had even said he wanted to, so the only reason for him to be late was whatever business he had with the Order. He had told Rin he _cared_ , so Rin wasn’t alone anymore. Knowing there was a hand to save him, pulling at his to help him find the surface, felt nice.

And he _would come back_.

_Even if he just does it out of pity._

Rin pulled at his hair to make that annoying voice shut up.

He tried to keep himself busy. He cleaned his tiny flat, despite it wasn’t dirty or untidy. He did the dishes by hand, dusted the furniture off, mopped up… When Rin was done, it was lunch time and he was fairly sure the home he hated had never been so clean.

But Haruka wasn’t there yet.

Rin walked into the kitchen, but felt so sick the second he laid his eyes on the food he turned on his heels. He didn’t want to eat, even though he had been hungry minutes ago.

Haruka was surely taking his time; getting rid of the Order's questions was probably more difficult than Rin had thought, not to mention Makoto. Rin hadn't talked to him in years, but he supposed the passing of time had made him even more of a busybody he was before.

Rin decided to take a shower, hoping hours would pass by faster in the water; besides, he hadn't noticed before he really needed it. He pointedly avoided looking at his left arm, focusing on washing his hair instead. Rin didn't want to think about the possibility of feeling the Dark Mark burning; it had happened twice and it was terrifying.

But not seeing it didn’t mean it wasn’t there. It itched, and sometimes the memory of the day he received it was enough to knock the air off him out of fear and disgust with himself. It was a reminder of everything Rin didn’t usually allow himself to think about: the constant feeling of being a bother, of being _annoying_ , of being left behind; the loneliness, the foolishness of not suspecting anything the day Mucilber approached him in the Library.

And everything that had come after that.

Rin pulled at his soaped hair when his gaze finally fell on the Dark Mark. _It’s alright_ , he told himself; the Dark Lord wouldn't summon him today, he wasn't even that important. He was never told to do anything slightly dangerous; he just had to watch the people he had mistaken for friends having fun and playing with innocent lives.

He was just a child who had joined a gang of bullies because he needed new friends.

Rin wasn't aware he was scrubbing his arm at first. He was just trying to escape the memories, doing something to distract himself with, and his hand found the sponge naturally. By the time he noticed the burning, his skin was red and irritated, but Rin couldn't bring himself to stop. No matter how bad the pain was; it wasn't nearly as bad as regretting everything he had done in the last year.

But the damn tattoo wouldn't disappear; it would be there forever, and the mere thought made Rin want to rip his skin off. His whole arm. He hated it, hated it, _hated it_ –

“Rin?"

Rin tore his gaze off his forearm, head turning towards the sound.

"Rin, are you here?"

The sponge fell to the shower plate.

"Yes– Wait a bit, Haru."

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

As Rin finished his shower, Haruka left some oranges and apples he had bought on his way there on the kitchen, surprised by how clean the flat was now. Rin surely had been busy.

Haruka placed the fruit on a dish and sat on the sofa he had spent the night on. Rin didn't take long; he walked into the living-dining room dressed with tracksuit bottoms and a hoodie, water dripping from his hair on a towel draped over his shoulders.

"Hi," he greeted, a guarded smile on his lips.

"Hi." Haruka wanted to ask something, but Rin walked into the kitchen. "Do you want to eat somet–– You didn't have to bring food."

"You'll get sick if you only eat pasta and meat," Haruka replied. Rin mumbled something unintelligible. "You're welcome, tomorrow I'll bring mackerel."

"I was asking if you're going to stick your nose into even my dietary habits," Rin clarified. His voice lacked its usual sharpness; it sounded mellowed with exhaustion. "What do you want? Coffee? Tea? A love potion?"

Haruka frowned. He couldn't see Rin's face, but his shoulders were unnaturally tense compared to his forcibly nonchalant voice.

"Tea is fine."

Some minutes later, Rin brought two cups of tea to the sofa. He sat down next to Haruka; for a while they stayed silent, sipping their tea. Haruka felt Rin's arm brushing against his, his presence warmer than the drink burning his throat, but not unpleasant.

The fact that Haruka could now see Rin whenever he wanted, that Rin wasn't pushing him away anymore –even though he still felt somehow distant–, was starting to sink in; and Haruka wanted to enjoy it. He still needed to make Rin see he would be safe with the Order, that he wouldn’t have to keep witnessing atrocities and murders every day; but right now he was just glad Rin knew he wasn’t alone.

“Mikoshiba wants to talk to you,” Haruka said at last.

He didn’t turn around, but he could feel Rin’s gaze fixed on him.

“Mikoshiba?”

“He was one year above us at Hogwarts,” Haruka reminded him. “The captain of the Gryffindor quidditch team.”

“Oh,” Rin let out a grunt. “He had a crush on my sister. And his brother did, too.” Haruka hide his smile taking a sip of tea. “What does he want?”

“He says he won’t help you unless you prove you’re not on Voldemort’s side.” Rin cringed. “It’s just a name,” Haruka said, surprised. “You used to say it too.”

Rin lowered his head.

“I... They made sure I got used to call him Dark Lord. Anyway,” he went on before Haruka could think about the implications of that little confession, “I don’t want help. I won’t put my family in danger.”

Haruka leant his head on the back of the sofa.

“Then how do you want to stop doing it?”

“By _not_ risking anyone else’s life.”

Haruka knew when a conversation was over. He hadn’t given up, though; he was waiting for another chance to bring it up. Rin couldn’t spend his whole life refusing to listen.

“It’s your choice, I guess,” he mumbled. He looked at Rin, but he didn’t find the surprise he was expecting to see; instead his friend looked troubled.

“You...” Rin swallowed. “You aren’t leaving, are you?”

Haruka was taken aback by the question. What reason did Rin think he had to be there?

“No. I just think you’re too stubborn.”

Rin lightly punched his arm before sipping his tea. Haruka mimicked him.

“I’m sorry about this morning.”

“It’s fine.”

“Also, thank you for the fruit.”

Haruka ventured to look at Rin again. He was staring at his now empty cup, as if trying to predict his future even though he knew nothing about Divination. Haruka leant towards him, whispering in a serious tone:

“The leaves say you’ll find happiness when you surround yourself with fish.”

Rin laughed. “That’s what _yours_ would say. Besides, you never took Divination.”

“It was an obvious guessing.”

Rin frowned, then grabbed Haruka’s arm to look at his cup close. “Then, here it says you will die if you don’t eat some meat every now and then.”

“You’re terrible at Divination.”

“It also says you should be nicer to me.”

“Yours says your tea tastes awful.”

Rin’s head snapped up. “You’re the worst guest I’ve ever had in my house.”

Haruka’s breath hitched in his throat. It wasn’t just that Rin was close; it was that his smile reached the corners of his eyes, lighting up for the first time in so long the emptiness that had dulled them. It was the warmth spreading from Rin’s grip on his forearm, the slight blush reddening his cheeks.

It was a real glimpse of the Rin Haruka was fighting for.

“As if you were a good host. You made me sleep on the sofa.”

“And yet you came back, didn’t you?” And Haruka _heard_ it, the slightest tremor on Rin’s voice, that insecurity he wanted to dress up as a joke.

“To sue you for my backache,” he replied, practically exhaling on Rin’s lips.

Rin’s smile widened.

“Now I get why you brought fruit.”

“To ruin your obviously good dietary habits,” Haruka confirmed.

 Rin sighed.

“I hate you so much,” he breathed, leaning forward to meet Haruka’s lips.

 

 

 

 


	7. The worst day

 

 

 

 

Haruka had gotten used to ask for the morning shift over the last weeks.

Waking up early was a pain, but it also meant he could do whatever he wanted for the rest of the day; he cleaned his and Makoto’s home when it was his turn, and after working on his paintings until he either finished them or got tired he spent some hours flying over the cherry tree field. Then he bought something and Disapparated to have lunch and spend the afternoon with Rin.

Rin.

Haruka found himself smiling despite himself. He knew it was selfish, he knew there were many things not right with Rin yet, but it felt like they had silently agreed to try. Watching the state Rin was in the days he had to go out with the Death Eaters was physically painful, yet Haruka didn’t want to be anywhere else than holding Rin even though he didn’t know exactly what to do.  Sometimes he brought his notebook and pencils and doodled through Rin's silence, only to pin the drawings to the walls before he left, a desperate attempt to make the grey Rin lived in a little more bearable.

“I’m going out,” he announced, walking to the door. He didn’t like Apparating into the house.

Makoto looked up from his book. “With Rin?” Haruka nodded. “Did you tell him about next week?”

“He doesn’t want to come.” Haruka tried to conceal his concern.

“Oh…” Makoto bit his lower lip. “It can’t be helped, then. And about the Order, have you–”

“Not yet.” Haruka pressed his lips together. No matter how hard he tried; Rin was too scared for his family to accept the Order’s help. That was the hardest part. “See you.”

Haruka knew it would be one of the bad days when he found Rin curled up on the sofa, staring blankly at nowhere and not even acknowledging Haruka’s presence. Haruka sat beside him; he wasn’t good at comforting people.

“Hey.”

Rin nodded at him. “I hate them.”

“I know.”

Rin slowly leant towards Haruka, sloppily disentangling his limbs and snaking his arms around Haruka’s waist. He buried his face into Haruka’s jumper, breathing hitching despite his attempts to keep it even. Haruka combed his hair, caressed his back when he sensed Rin shuddering with each sob; he didn’t know what else he could do, and for a second he wondered what it had been like when Rin was alone.

One day, Haruka had asked Rin why he didn’t just get used to the atrocities he saw. Rin hadn’t been able to answer, but it had been enough for Haruka. The day Rin stopped feeling that utter revulsion, Rin would stop being Rin to turn into an empty shell. Haruka sometimes didn’t know if he was glad Rin couldn’t do that or heartbroken because he could see every day how deeply _feeling_ hurt him.

“You can’t keep going like this.”

Rin cringed.

“Shut up,” he muttered. “I don’t need that right now.”

“But it’s true.” Rin huffed, head snapping up to look at Haruka. In that moment, he looked like nothing had changed since the first time Haruka saw him outside Hogwarts: tired, scared and with that pleading glint in his eyes. “It’s killing you,” he added, and not even Rin’s warm weight on his lap stopped Haruka from feeling cold. The words sounded terribly true.

“It’s not.” Rin sat up, taking Haruka’s hands off him. His puffy eyes didn’t show as much determination as they should have. “I’m just–”

“It’s killing you,” Haruka repeated. It wasn’t that hard to understand, yet Rin was annoyingly insistent on denying it. “Why won’t you let us help?”

Rin crossed his arms, looking down. “Did you come just for that?”

“I asked first.” Haruka couldn’t bring himself to care about Rin’s growing frustration. He was tired of trying, of seeing Rin claim he was fine while he kept destroying himself out of fear.

“I’ve already answered that.” Rin stood up and walked to his room. “You can leave if that’s all you want from me.”

Haruka didn’t even flinch when Rin slammed the door shut. He leant his head on the back of the sofa, stared at the ceiling as he focused on Rin’s steps in the bedroom. Rin seemed to be walking in circles, an accurate metaphor of his life.

Sometimes, Haruka wished he had some of Makoto’s patience. He was determined to help Rin no matter he wanted it or not– he liked that new side of their relationship, the kisses and the caresses; but he couldn’t fully enjoy it because Rin’s look was still tormented and fearful and nothing would get better if Rin insisted on shutting down instead of gathering the courage Haruka knew he had _somewhere_.

Haruka rubbed his eyes. It seemed today wouldn’t be the day he needed.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Haruka wouldn’t have been Haruka if he had left when Rin had told him to.

He didn’t talk to Rin immediately, though; Rin didn’t lock his door, but he could hear Haruka walking around the grey flat, could hear the sound of pans and pots clinking together. Soon Rin could feel his mouth watering at the smell of cooked food, but he just snuggled further under the sheets.

He wasn’t angry with Haruka, but with himself. Part of Rin _hated_ everything Haruka was doing for him, probably without even realising half of it, because all he could give in return was anger and cowardice and he didn’t want Haruka to leave but all he ever seemed to do was convince him to do so.

Besides, and even though Rin would never admit it aloud, Haruka was right. Rin ate when he didn’t feel like throwing up, slept thanks to the Sleeping Drought, but it wasn’t enough. Throughout the last year waking up had become harder even though lately Haruka made it easier at times, and all Rin ever wanted to do was laying down. He was exhausted, and the scariest part was that he didn’t have the energy to care.

Three knocks on the door distracted Rin from the whirlwind in his mind. He gasped to take air in, noticing then that breathing had become difficult at some point, and managed to sit up and find his voice.

“What do you want?”

“I made soup for dinner.”

Rin tried to swallow his annoyance. He failed.

“I’m not hungry.”

“It wasn’t a question.” The door opened and Haruka’s face peeked into the room. “Why is the light off?”

“I’m a vampire,” Rin grumbled, but couldn’t help the warmth spreading across his chest when Haruka smiled faintly. “And why soup? That’s for sick people.”

“Then next time make it yourself.” He didn’t look impressed by Rin’s snort. “I’m not bringing it here,” Haruka warned, his head disappearing as he walked to the living-dining room. He left the door open; Rin didn’t feel as bothered as he’d thought he would.

They barely talked as they ate; Rin admitted he liked Haruka’s soup, but didn’t feel like stating his would be better. Rin reluctantly let Haruka help him wash the dishes, and neither of them suggested to use magic. Lately Rin had learnt he felt a little bit better when he used his hands, even if it was just for simple tasks.

Haruka had found out about the Sleeping Drought a while ago, and even though he hadn’t made any remark Rin knew he didn’t like it; therefore he never took it when Haruka stayed overnight. Remembering was harder when Haruka slept beside him, anyway.

“Rin?”

Rin opened his eyes. Harula laid on the bed next to him, his gaze fixed on him. He didn’t look sleepy.

“What?”

He didn’t expect Haruka to look away.

“At Hogwarts– Were we really that mean?”

Rin closed his eyes again. It was a bad idea; the loneliness came back when he couldn’t see it. So he stared at Haruka, who still refused to meet his eyes.

“I don’t… know,” he started. “I–I… At first it sounded like a joke. Like ‘You-Know-Who is recruiting Slytherins, _ha, ha_ ’; like nobody would really believe it…” Rin bit his lip. “But then– I don’t remember exactly when– I felt like everyone had decided to ignore Slytherins, and we were called things. And you–”

Rin let out a shaky sigh.

“Maybe you didn’t do it on purpose. But it felt like… like you didn’t want people to see you with me. Or with Sousuke or Kisumi. But they just said you were being stupid, that it didn’t matter…”

He felt Haruka’s hand finding his, carefully intertwining their fingers together.

“But it _mattered_ for me.” Rin felt a familiar stinging behind his eyelids; he was trembling as he relived those days, but he didn’t want to stop. “You didn’t care about me anymore, even though we were supposed to be friends… so… I wanted to stop caring too. And to make new friends.”

“I know it doesn’t change anything,” Haruka whispered, “but I didn’t know. I never thought– ” he shook his head. “I didn’t know.”

Rin squeezed his hand.

“It’s not–”

“I’m sorry.”

Rin pulled Haruka closer, biting his lip again. He wasn’t the one who had to apologise.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Haruka hadn’t really expected Rin to agree to spend a week in Makoto’s country house; despite the Order wasn’t explicitly chasing him, they couldn’t ignore the possibility of them showing up and complicating the situation even more. Especially since Rin refused to do anything that might result in upsetting Voldemort.

(Haruka felt a bit proud of being the only exception.)

Overall, Haruka had a good time. He hadn’t seen Ran and Ren since the beginning of the summer, and they were delighted to have both him and Makoto to play with them; despite she had never been fond of brooms, their mother allowed the twins to take turns to fly with Haruka. Most days he ended up too exhausted by the kids’ games to think about anything else before he fell asleep.

When he woke up, usually earlier than everyone else, Haruka thought about Rin. He wanted to believe he was alright –it was just a week, he had been utterly alone for longer before–, but he also remembered how difficult convincing him to eat was at times, the unsettled walks around the house whenever he snapped but was too proud to apologise just yet, the nights he spent rolling around in the bed unable to sleep.

“I’m sure Rin is fine,” Makoto assured the last day of their short holidays, not even needing to ask when he found Haruka sitting at the table, glaring at a glass of water. “You should trust him more.”

Haruka looked up.

“I trust Rin.” He shook his head and bit his tongue. Almost everything Makoto knew about Rin was because Haruka had told him; Haruka didn’t want to tell him the rest– it wouldn’t do any good. “But he’s not–”

 _He’s not well_.

Haruka managed to keep his worry at bay until they arrived to the house in town. He unpacked the few things he had taken with him and asked Makoto when the next Order meeting was and then Disapparated, even though he had planned to have some rest until the afternoon.

He materialised in a narrow alley near Rin’s flat and took long strides towards it. He didn’t even know if Rin would be there, or if he had some hunt with the Death Eaters; Haruka had a plan for every possibility, and when he entered the little grey home he was wondering if the food Rin kept in the fridge would be still in good conditions.

“Rin?” he first had to make sure where Rin was.

Nobody replied. Haruka walked into the living-dining room, only to find it empty except for his own drawings lighting up the place a bit. He went to the bedroom, turned the light on; Rin wasn’t there either, and not a sound could be heard.

 _I guess he isn’t here_.

Haruka hoped Rin didn’t have a bad day. He would be upset, of course, like he always was when he was forced to spend time with those monsters; but maybe he would be happy to see Haruka before he had expected.

Haruka froze, though, when a sound reached his ears.

It was… shaky, trembling; it was as if its owner didn’t want to be heard. A ragged breath alternating with violent hiccups, and all of it sounded like someone was too tired to keep sobbing, but too distraught to stop.

“Rin?” Haruka turned on his heels. “Where are you?” he asked, even though he didn’t need an answer. He reached the bathroom door in less than three seconds. It was locked. “Rin.”

The sobbing stopped momentarily, yet Rin didn’t say anything.

“Can you let me in?”

Rin sniffled.

“No.”

Haruka had his fingers already curled around his wand, but he didn’t pull it out.

“Are you alright in there?”

“N–– Yes.”

Haruka sighed. “Open the door.”

“No.”

“Then I’ll do it.”

Rin’s breath hitched.

“D-Don’t. Just… Just– Come back later. Please.”

“What happened?” Haruka pressed his forehead against the door. Rin didn’t answer. “Rin?” Silence. “I’m going to–”

A click made Haruka still his hand. His wand pointed to the door, but he wasn’t the one who had done that. Haruka grabbed the knob, breathed in deeply and pushed.

It took him some seconds before he could move again. For a moment Haruka even forgot how to breathe; he could just stare at the bathroom, at Rin, at Rin’s– at _everything_ , because there was nothing good in that sight.

Rin lowered his head, tried to hide what Haruka had already seen.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry; I didn’t want– I can’t do this anymore. I know it’s– I _hate_ it.”

Finally, Haruka exhaled slowly. His head was spinning; he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing. It all looked like a nightmare– like Rin’s nightmare.

Rin was sitting on the floor, leaning on the tiled wall. Blood flowed from his left arm, staining his legs, his lap, his chest; he still had the razor blade on his right hand, trembling so violently Haruka feared he would hurt himself further on accident. He was naked, which with the smell of soap mixing with blood meant it hadn’t been long since he’d– since he’d–

 _Since he’s cut his arm open_.

Haruka walked towards him, crouching down so that he could see his face better. Rin looked like a child who had just been caught doing something he shouldn't, but worse– because Rin clearly regretted it, because he was lost and scared, because new tears fell down his cheeks after some seconds under Haruka's stare.

Haruka thought fast; he snatched the blade from Rin’s hand, grabbed a towel from the rack and wrapped it around Rin’s forearm.

“That looks painful,” he mumbled, standing and looking for another towel.

Rin didn’t move. Haruka didn’t really expect him to.

He wiped some blood from Rin’s skin with the new towel, then helped him stand up and walk towards his bedroom. He noticed how pale Rin was, even though silent tears kept running down his face, and wondered if he should call Makoto. Maybe Rin had lost more blood than it seemed.

He decided to clean the wounds first, though.

“Why did you do it?” he asked when he found the first aid kit and Rin was wrapped up in a blanket. It was almost laughable, the muggle lifestyle Rin had. But Haruka knew next to nothing about healing spells; he didn’t want to accidentally hurt Rin.

The noise Rin made sounded almost like a muffled yell. Haruka thought he wouldn't answer, but after a short silence words started slipping between his lips.

“I hate it. It’s _there_ , reminding me of everything, and it’ll be there forever and– and I have to see it.” He hissed when Haruka unwrapped his arm and threw the bloodied towel to the floor. The cuts crossed, zigzagged– it looked almost like Rin had been doodling on his own skin. “I didn’t want to– I just _saw it_ and it was– I couldn’t–”

“It’s okay,” Haruka whispered. He intertwined his fingers with the ones from the hand he was holding to keep Rin’s arm stretched out. “Just don’t do it again.”

Rin squeezed his fingers.

“I’m sorry.” Haruka tightened his grip on Rin’s hand when he tried to pull his arm back as the alcohol stung the cuts. He wasn’t the one Rin had to apologise to. “I’m sorry for having you here, too. I’m really a lost cause.”

Haruka looked up. He couldn’t explain, not even to himself, why he suddenly felt so angry. But he hated it, hated it, _hated it_ – hated hearing how Rin wanted to give up.

“You’re not,” he growled. “You’re strong– stronger than _this_.” He lightly shook Rin’s arm.

Rin didn’t reply. He didn’t even complain, didn’t speak until Haruka finished cleaning his wounds.

Looking at the cuts after wiping the blood off them, it came to Haruka’s mind that they looked like Rin had tried to tear his Dark Mark off.

 

 

 

 


	8. Help

 

 

 

 

Makoto almost fell off the sofa when Haruka materialised in front of him.

“Don’t do that!” he cried, picking the book he’d dropped as he stood up. He must notice Haruka’s sombre expression, the lack of amusement in his eyes, because he bit his lip. “What’s wrong?”

“Are cuts in the arm serious?”

Makoto forgot his indignation immediately. He walked towards Haruka, looking him up and down.

“What did you do to your arm?”

Haruka stepped back before his friend could grab his arm, shaking his head. “I’m fine.”

Makoto frowned.

“Then… Rin?” Haruka nodded. “What happened to him?”

“He cut his arm… He made many cuts, actually.” Makoto’s eyes widened. “I cleaned the wounds, but I don’t know–” Haruka trailed off; Makoto wouldn’t need the rest. “Is it serious?”

 “I can’t know if I don’t see him.”

Haruka nodded; he had already thought about it for a while. He knew Rin wouldn’t like it –Rin refused to see _any_ of his friends–, but Makoto was the only healer Haruka could think of; if Rin went to St. Mungo’s he would be asked too many questions about the Dark Mark on his arm.

He had left Rin sleeping, already exhausted despite it was barely midday. When they entered the flat (“ _This place is depressing_ ”, Makoto commented), he was in the exact same position he’d been before, laying on his side and breathing softly, maybe a bit faster than usual. He had been holding his left arm against his chest, but after drifting off he had extended it a bit, letting Haruka and Makoto have a glimpse of the bandages under his sweater.

Haruka kneeled on the bed, but Makoto spoke before he could wake Rin up.

“What are those?” he asked, pointing towards the several phials on the bedside table.

“Sleeping Drought.” Makoto made a face, but stayed silent, so Haruka shook Rin’s shoulder. “Rin, hey.” Rin opened his eyes, but covered them with this arm, letting out an annoyed grunt. “Wake up.”

“I don’t want to.” Rin tried to burrow his head under the pillow. “Let me sleep.”

“After Makoto sees your arm.”

“Mak––” Rin frowned and uncovered his face. He looked around, and all his childish resistance to get up seemed to vanish when his gaze landed on Makoto, who still stood awkwardly in the entrance. He drew back, as if Makoto had pointed at him with his wand. “What is _he_ doing here?”

“I asked him to come,” Haruka explained, getting off the bed.

“I didn’t ask you to.” Rin snapped. As he sat up, he managed to look a bit threatening even though his eyes were still red. “I don’t need visits.”

“It won’t be long,” Makoto spoke for the first time since Rin had woken up. “I just want to make sure you don’t need Blood-Replenishing potion.”

Rin never stopped glaring at Haruka as Makoto inspected his arm; he probably felt betrayed, and Haruka knew he had some right to. But it was the only thing he could do for him.

Makoto didn’t make any comments about the Dark Mark; it was almost unrecognisable under so many cuts, anyway. He apologised whenever he accidentally hurt Rin, but other than that he worked in silence, running his wand over the wounds and mumbling to himself sometimes.

“It’s fine,” he finally said, bandaging Rin’s arm again. “Just make sure it doesn’t get infected. And don’t take sleep potions; they slow down healing.”

Rin finally lowered his gaze. He curled and uncurled his fingers, never completely closing his hand. It probably hurt.

“Thank you,” he muttered.

Makoto smiled. “You’re welcome. It’s good to see you again.”

Rin seemed to shrink into himself. Makoto stood up, noticing Rin’s obvious discomfort, and walked out the room. Haruka heard the entrance door closing a few seconds later and let out a sigh he hadn’t been aware he was holding.

“I had to.”

Rin buried himself under the sheets again, hiding even his head.

“Sure.”

Haruka rolled his eyes. He didn’t want to argue, but it was hard when Rin refused to reason.

“You’re being childish.”

“And you had no right,” Rin’s voice snapped from somewhere beneath the sheets.

“I was worried!”

“You didn’t have to! I’m–”

“You’re what, ‘ _fine_ ’?” Haruka hadn’t intended for his voice to sound so sharp; he breathed through his nose, trying not to lose whatever was left of his patience. “You can’t hurt yourself like that and get angry when people worry.”

There was a short silence. Haruka pursed his lips, expecting a bitter reply that nevertheless never came.

“I’m not angry,” Rin mumbled eventually, though his voice was trembling. “With you.”

Haruka waited for some sort of explanation, but after a few minutes Rin’s breathing deepened.

That wasn’t how Haruka had wanted their reunion to be.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Rin got out of bed because he was hungry.

Not to mention, Haruka had taken it upon himself to make lunch, and the delicious smell spread across the flat, making Rin’s stomach rumble. He couldn’t remember when he had eaten for the last time. The night before? The morning before that?

Haruka didn’t conceal his surprise when he found Rin walking into the kitchen.

“What are you making?” Rin asked.

“Mackerel.”

Rin huffed. “What makes you think I’ve missed eating fish?”

“You’re thinner.” Haruka poked Rin’s stomach with a wooden spoon. “Have you not been eating?”

“I wasn’t hungry,” Rin lied. “Is Makoto still here?”

“He left before you took your nap.”

Rin froze at the sudden coldness in Haruka’s tone. It didn’t sound like anger; it seemed something more subtle.

Disappointment.

“I ruined everything, didn’t I?” Haruka looked up from the hob. Rin raised his wounded arm, fixing his gaze on the floor. “I didn’t plan it,” he tried to explain. He shuddered when he remembered Haruka’s horrified expression when he had found him; Rin swore he would never do anything like that again, if only because he didn’t want any more memories like that one.

Haruka took Rin’s left hand in his.

“I hope so.” He cautiously rolled up his sleeve until he revealed the bandage; he calmly ran his fingers across his inner forearm and it almost felt like a faint tickling.

“Why are you still here?”

The question left Rin’s lips abruptly, not minding he didn’t want to ask it; Haruka frowned, and Rin bit his lip as he cursed himself; now Haruka would remember every reason he had to leave, and he would–

Haruka’s lips on his stopped Rin’s train of thought. It wasn’t something they did often, because most of the time Rin couldn’t even stand himself and Haruka surely needed a great deal of patience to just stay around; most days it just didn’t feel _right_ , even though Rin wanted to make up for that stolen kiss in the bathroom the day Haruka found the Mark on his forearm.

“Because I want to,” Haruka eventually answered, and Rin could only kiss him back.

_“You’re strong.”_

The words Haruka had muttered hours ago had been replaying on Rin’s mind over and over again. They didn’t sound any truer, though; it wasn’t that Rin thought Haruka had lied, but he was clearly wrong. Rin was nothing but weak; he wouldn’t have hurt himself otherwise.

But if the hand holding his and the arm around his waist meant something, Haruka wouldn’t go anywhere. Instinctively, Rin pulled Haruka closer when he felt his cold nose brushing the side of his neck.

 _He won’t leave_.

Rin would apologise to him for the act of cowardice he hadn’t done yet later, though.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Out of all people, Makoto would have never expected opening the door to Rin.

It took him some seconds to react; his friend lowered his gaze, clearly uncomfortable, and for a moment all Makoto could do was stuttering, before he regained his voice:

“Hello, Rin.”

Rin shifted his weight from one foot to the other and muttered a barely audible greeting, not meeting Makoto’s eye yet.

He looked… better than the last time Makoto had seen him, in some way. Sure, he was fully clothed now and hadn’t just woken up, like three days ago; but his cheeks had some colour and his gaze was more alert. He was still way too thin, though.

Yet he didn’t talk; it was so unlike him Makoto felt the need to blurt out his first thought:

“How is your arm?”

Rin pursed his lips. “Fine,” he muttered, grabbing it with his other hand. Makoto knew it couldn’t be healed yet, but didn’t say anything. “Sorry for the trouble.”

“It’s okay.” Makoto smiled, maybe too brightly. “Are you looking for Haru?”

Rin’s head snapped up, as if he had suddenly remembered the purpose of his visit.

“Kind of… Is he here?”

“He has to patrol, but I don’t think it’ll take him long to come back,” Makoto explained. “Do you want to wait inside?”

Rin nodded. Makoto guided him towards the living room and grabbed the book he had been studying before his friend knocked at the door. Meanwhile, Rin entertained himself by examining the books filling the shelves, walking around the room and grabbing some of them.

Makoto would have lied if he had said he didn’t know about most things Haruka never told him aloud. He had noticed the subtle smile on his friend’s face whenever he announced he had to visit Rin, the fact that he didn’t come back late in the night, but early in the morning. How he hadn’t hesitated to wake Rin up, as if he did it often.

Not that Haruka had ever said he was dating Rin.  He didn’t have to for Makoto to understand.

Eventually Rin got tired and sat down. He fiddled with the part of the bandage visible under his sleeve, looked around between hopeful and scared. It made Makoto curious.

“What did you come for?” he found himself asking, giving up on studying.

“Talking to Haru,” Rin muttered, gripping his wrist. He must have held too tightly, because he grimaced before letting go. “About the Order.”

Makoto failed to hide his surprise.

“Really? So Haru convinced you?”

Rin shook his head, gritting his teeth for a second before regaining his composure. “No, it wasn’t Haru. Not entirely, anyway. I’ve been thinking about it for a while.”  Makoto waited patiently for him to carry on. He had the feeling Rin would; he had never been the kind of person who left things unfinished.

“I wanted this, somehow.” Rin raised his left arm. “It’s awful, but… they managed to make me believe there was some sort of justification. I wasn’t forced to get my arm branded, you know?”

Makoto bit his lip as Rin seemed to steel himself before continuing.

“Mind you, I never liked the part of killing muggles and mud–– _muggle-borns_.” Makoto frowned; he knew what Rin had been about to say. “There are many Death Eaters who aren’t interested in that, but in power. When the Dark Lord takes over the Ministry, he’ll change the Wizarding World, and he’ll remember those who helped him.” Rin intoned the last sentence as if reciting the ingredients of the Draught of Living Death. “I guess I saw it as collateral damage,” he muttered, his voice small; Makoto realised they both were thinking about Haruka, about the idea of reducing his life –as well as many other people’s– to a mild inconvenience for a greater future.

“When I realised what it really was, I kind of thought I deserved whatever came with it,” Rin continued. “I had made my choice, so it didn’t matter I changed my mind. Backing out would be bad– not only for me, but also for Gou and my mother.”

Makoto had closed his book; all his attention was on Rin. He didn’t have the heart to interrupt him.

“But I can’t,” Rin breathed out; his voice sounded like the embodiment of defeat. “I can’t even be consequent with what I do… I guess as long as my family is fine it’s not that bad.”

Makoto let out a sigh.

“It’s okay if you make a mistake, as long as you realise it.”

Rin let out a humourless laugh.

“But this wasn’t a mistake. This was me throwing a damn tantrum because I didn’t have all the attention I wanted.”

“You’re too hard on yourself,” Makoto insisted.

Rin shook his head, but he stilled momentarily before finishing the movement. In less than a second the healthy colour of his cheeks disappeared; he cradled his left arm against his chest, standing up abruptly as he let out a shaky breath.

Makoto stood up too, worried. “Is something wrong?”

“I– I just remembered… I have something to do,” Rin explained. It was obvious he was lying. “I’ll talk to Haru later; he’s coming over anyway.”

He left so quickly Makoto couldn’t even walk him out.

Makoto sighed. Well, at least Rin had finally accepted he needed help.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It was hard to believe it when Makoto told him about Rin, but it was shockingly true. Makoto was physically unable to lie to him.

Haruka didn’t know why now, after he had spent almost two months feeling like he was talking to a wall whenever he brought the issue up. Maybe it was just a matter of time; maybe the incident from some days ago had had something to do with it. He didn’t really care; all that mattered was that Rin had finally understood how much pain he would avoid once he stopped collaborating with Death Eaters.

He was almost humming when he Apparated near Rin’s flat; not even the grey neighbourhood stopped his strangely optimistic state.

“Hi,” he greeted as he entered, closing the door behind him. “Rin?”

He wasn’t in the living-dining room; Haruka peeked into the kitchen only to find it empty too.

He frowned, trying to ignore the cold hand gripping his heart as he remembered what had happened the last time Rin hadn’t replied to his calls. He walked towards the bathroom, and needed a few seconds to steel himself before opening the door.

But there was nobody there.

Maybe Rin had gone with the Death Eaters. Wanting to quit didn’t mean he would do it immediately.

Haruka bit down his lower lip, going to the only room he hadn’t looked yet. Rin could be sleeping; lately he was always tired.

Carefully opening the door, Haruka looked inside the bedroom. There was actually a man in there, though he wasn’t sleeping.

He wasn’t Rin, either.

 

 

 

 


	9. Betrayal

 

 

 

 

Apparently it had taken four Death Eaters to subdue Haruka.

Rin wasn’t surprised, but the pride quickly merged into fear. He didn’t even care about his own pain; the second he saw Haruka being thrown into the basement, still trying to fight back even though he had lost his wand and he was tied up, Rin fully realised what would happen.

Haruka was a muggle-born and a member of the Order of the Phoenix and he was at the mercy of Death Eaters. It wasn’t exactly an unsolvable riddle.

And it was all Rin’s fault.

He approached Mucilber, barely aware of the shudders running down his spine.

“What are you going to do with him?”

Mucilber smiled. Rin swallowed down; how on Earth had he once wanted to be friends with that monster?

“What do you think? Making him talk until he doesn’t have anything else to say. We could send him back to the Order afterwards. It’ll teach them.”

“You can’t–”

“We actually can,” Mucilber cut him off. “You should be grateful the Dark Lord forgave you and let us handle this; I wouldn’t have been so generous. What have you told the Order, you treacherous rat?”

Rin closed his hands into fists, biting his tongue. He didn’t need to reach for his wand to punch Mucilber in the face, but it would be counter-productive. At least they had decided torturing and killing Haruka would be enough punishment for Rin; no Death Eater trusted him anymore, but at least he would be able to think of a way to save Haruka.

“The Dark Lord himself said I hadn’t told them anything. Do you think you know better than him?”

Mucilber pressed his lips together.

“Then what were you doing with him?” He showed his teeth. “Were you so desperate you had to fuck a mudblood?” His laughter sounded like a bark. “That’s too low even for _you_.”

“What, are you jealous?”

Rin licked his lips in satisfaction when Mucilber’s cheeks darkened a few shades. As soon as the Death Eater turned around and spoke again, though, any hint of a smile vanished from Rin’s face.

“Why don’t you help us, Rin?” Mucilber asked, walking towards the basement door as he gestured at Avery, who had just gotten out another room. “Your mudblood will be delighted to see you.”

Rin froze. His first instinct was to shake his head, but he quickly realised he would have a chance to make Haruka’s torture more bearable if he stayed with them.

He swallowed down and nodded.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Even though Mucilber had untied him, there wasn’t much Haruka could do against three Death Eaters without his wand.

Rin was among them; and that was what confused Haruka the most. He had thought, when more men had come out of their hiding places in Rin’s room, that they had done something to him. Yet Rin stood there, more or less alright despite the blood staining his left sleeve, shooting him apologetic glances.

“Nanase… Hm… I remember you from Hogwarts,” Avery muttered, seemingly pensive. “You were the one who wouldn’t leave Rin alone, right?”

“And then he joined the Order and turned into Dumbledore’s puppet. What a tragedy,” Mucilber mocked. “Good move, Matsuoka.”

Rin fixed his gaze on the floor when Avery patted his back.

“Anyway, let’s do this.” Mucilber pulled out his wand. “I trust you to be smart enough to know what this is about, so let’s start with the easy questions. Your friends’ names.”

Haruka rubbed his wrists, where the ropes had hurt him. He had never wanted to be a member of the Order, but he knew what he would agree to when he had joined them. He thought about Makoto, Nao, Natsuya, Aki– even Kisumi came to his mind, making him let out a huff.

He wasn’t a traitor.

“Um. Dumbledore?” he tried.

The Death Eater stepped towards him, pointing his wand at Haruka.

“I don’t have time for jokes,” he stated. His voice was lower now. “Everyone knows that.”

Haruka looked past Mucilber. Rin wouldn’t look at him yet.

“I’ve heard Haruka Nanase belongs to it, too,” he added, as if he had just remembered it. It was enough for Rin to raise his head; for a moment there was a glint of amusement in his gaze.

Then the pain made Haruka close his eyes.

He couldn’t tell if he screamed; he supposed he did, but it was hard to tell when his mind was overwhelmed with the agony burning every nerve ending. Haruka fell to the floor, seeing only red as a ringing invaded his ears, arms flailing around as if he could make the pain subside that way.

And then it stopped, so suddenly that for a second Haruka had no idea where he was; he blinked, disoriented, and felt a different kind of pain coming from the back of his head as Mucilber grabbed his hair to force him to look at his face.

“First time receiving a Cruciatus?” Haruka tried to swallow, but his mouth was dry. “Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it soon.”

A scuffle distracted them both. Haruka could only see Mucilber turning his head, but he heard his exasperated snort.

“This is what happen when you grow fond of a mudblood.” He focused on Haruka again. “Can we have a serious conversation now?”

“I… am serious,” Haruka replied.

“And too insolent for being little more than an unnatural animal,” Mucilber replied. “Do you know what will happen if you keep playing hero?”

Haruka hadn’t intended for his face to show so much disgust. After all, he knew enough to be scared.

“You’ll kill me anyway.”

“So you have already lost the faith in your boyfriend?” Mucilber smiled. “I hoped you would trust him more. I guess he isn’t such a good spy after all.” He sighed. “What were we at? Oh, yes. What are your friends’ names?”

Haruka stayed silent.

“You know,” Mucilber started again, “there are lots of things you can do with the Cruciatus Curse.” He let go of Haruka’s hair and stood up. “I wouldn’t have known had it not been for Madam Lestrange, but there are plenty of interesting _and_ convincing tricks. For example,” Haruka froze when Mucilber pointed his wand at his throat, “you can concentrate the effects on certain parts of the body.”

Haruka didn’t scream that time. He couldn’t; the curse set his throat in flames, and it felt like his pharynx closed off, not letting any space for air to get to his lungs. The pain made him tear up, the anxiety due to the lack of oxygen taking over his body; he scratched his throat, no longer understanding it would be useless.

He took gulps of air when it ended, trembling out of fear and relief. He saw blood under his nails, but he didn’t care much. He could breathe again.

“I won’t be compassionate anymore,” Mucilber warned. “This isn’t a game. You won’t come out alive, but it’s up to you being able to remember who you are when we’re done with you.”

Haruka didn’t try to sit up. From his position, laying on his side, he could see Rin; he was glaring at Avery while the Death Eater pointed at him with his wand.

Rin could deal with one person if he wanted to, couldn’t he?

_Why don’t you do anything?_

“What did… you do to him?” Haruka wheezed. Rin was probably under some curse; or maybe he had taken a potion he shouldn’t have. He wouldn’t just stand there otherwise.

Mucilber seemed angry until he understood what Haruka was asking.

“Nothing. He’s here on his free will.” He crouched down and smiled. “Are you already forgetting things? He was a spy.”

“That’s a lie.”

The next curse, pointed at his chest, felt like breathing fire. Soundless screams left his throat as Haruka hit the floor in his despair. The room spun around when he opened his eyes again, crippling pain paralysing his lungs with every intake of air.

“Why don’t we ask him?” And Haruka realised then that he didn’t want to know the answer, that he needed something to cling to. Even if it was a lie.

He weakly shook his head, barely hearing Mucilber’s chuckle.

“Hey, Rin, why are you here?”

Despite himself, Haruka tried to focus on Rin’s silhouette. He was blurry, like everything else.

“I– What?”

“Has anyone forced you to witness how we torture Nanase?”

It took Rin some seconds to answer.

“No.”

“Liar!” Haruka cried out, leaning on his trembling hands to sit up. “You hate them! Why won’t you do anything?”

“For _you_?” Mucilber chuckled. “You think too high of yourself, mudblood.”

Haruka curled into himself when Mucilber's wand pointed at his belly, heaving as what was left in his stomach spilt on the floor. He tried to reach an upright position, if only out of the stupid pride that seemed to be all he had left, doing his best to stop looking at Mucilber’s vomit stained shoes.

He fell to the floor before he could even register why. He thought it had been a slap, but when his trembling hand reached his cheek he found it sticky with blood.

“My shoes,” Mucilber growled. “You better have something to make up for it.”

Haruka desperately focused on thinking of a reply. He wouldn’t give Mucilber anything he wanted to hear.

What could he lose, anyway?

“A brain?”

Another interesting thing the Cruciatus Curse could do was, apparently, deepen wounds. Or at least that was how it felt; Haruka had never known a little cut could hurt that much. With every curse –and the following question afterwards– he shrunk further away from Mucilber, even though coordination was becoming difficult. He wanted it to stop– at some point the part of his mind that wasn’t overwhelmed by pain and fear couldn’t even think about what he was supposed to answer to.

And Rin just stood _there_ , looking away whenever Haruka gathered the strength to lock his eyes with him, doing _nothing_ – and it occurred to Haruka that maybe Mucilber hadn’t lied, maybe Seijuurou had been right about Rin all along. Maybe Rin had really fooled him.

The thought was more painful than the torture; that one doubt was enough for everything Haruka had been so sure about to burst into flames, leaving him with nothing– with no _one_ – as he waited for it to end. He didn't even cared about how.

 _I want to go home_ , was the most consistent thought he could cling to; but what came out of his mouth instead was a name that meant the same.

“ M––… Makoto…”

“What did you just say?”

Haruka closed his eyes. He was beyond the point of understanding the question; he just wanted the pain to stop.

“Was that a name? It looks like you _can_ think, after all.”

“W–– Wait.”

Through the delirium, Haruka thought it sounded like Rin’s voice.

“Leave him to me now.”

“What…? Do you want to?”

“If it makes you believe in me again…”

“That’s a surprise.”

Haruka gritted his teeth when he heard steps approaching him. His mouth tasted like blood, though he couldn’t quite recall when he had bitten his tongue.

“Hey, Haru.” Haruka opened his eyes at the familiar voice. Rin had crouched down before him and his hand was reaching towards his face.

Haruka flinched, not caring about the pain moving brought; he didn’t want Rin to touch him– didn’t want to be near Rin.

 _You did nothing_.

Rin pulled back, looking aside.

“I’m sorry it has to be like this,” he whispered. Haruka tried to focus on his words. “But– I think you need to rest a little, and that maybe some time alone would help you reason.”

Haruka blinked several times, Rin’s face getting clearer momentarily.

He still had the gall to look like he was about to cry.

“Fuck you,” Haruka spat. He didn’t understand the strangled sob that shook his whole body.

“You’re kidding, aren’t you?”

“What are you saying? He’s starting to talk now.”

“And he won’t say much if you keep this up. You aren’t killing him just for fun, remember?”

Haruka didn’t pay the voices more attention than he did to the steps walking away. His eyes were closing; he didn’t understand what was happening, but Rin had said he would have time to rest, and it wasn’t like he could do much more.

He was shivering; the room was unbelievably cold, and through his half-lidded eyes he could see the white puffs his breaths made. Even curling up hurt; it was only then that Haruka realised he was alone.

He briefly wondered if Rin had felt like that when he decided to make friends with Death Eaters, but soon he drifted off to a restless sleep.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

If Makoto had been surprised when Rin knocked at his door in the morning, seeing him twice the same day made him wonder what deity was having a bad day.

Unless the first time, though, Rin didn’t stood in an awkward silence in the setting sun; he pushed Makoto inside and closed the door behind him.

“What are–?”

“How can I contact the Order?” Rin interrupted him.

“Huh?”

“Haru said something about them not helping unless I gave information about the Death Eaters. I can lead you to one of their bases, but there are too many people for me alone.”

Makoto shook his head, trying to understand. It wasn’t only Rin’s frantic speech; it was the distraught look in his eyes, the slight tremor running through him. Not to mention his blood stained left sleeve.

“Rin, can you explain yourself? What happened to your arm?”

Rin seemed to snap momentarily out of his frenzy. He leant his back on the closed door and covered his face with his hands, letting out a trembling sigh.

“I was so stupid,” he mumbled. “I called him.”

“Him?” Makoto frowned. “You mean–”

“I mean the Dark Lord.” Rin sighed. “He somehow felt– He _knew_ what I did to the Mark and–” He swallowed. “He summoned me, asked me why I had done it… But he used Legilimency and he knows… Damn, Makoto, he knows _everything_.”

Something within Makoto went cold.

“Where’s Haru?”

Rin dropped his arms, but he didn’t look at Makoto in the face.

“If we hurry we still can–”

“Rin.” Makoto tried to calm down, to not get carried away by his concern, but it was fruitless. Haruka should be with Rin, he had said so _hours_ ago, but now Rin was there, alone and upset and– “Where is Haru?”

Rin swallowed before answering, his voice tiny.

“At one of their bases. He’s… not fine, but alive. They want to make him talk about the Order, so they’ll resume torturing him in a few hours.” Makoto shook his head, as if he could undo what had happened if he didn’t believe it. It didn’t make sense; _Haru_ and _torture_ were two words that never should be in the same sentence.

Yet Makoto knew Rin wasn’t lying.

“Was it bad?”

Rin intertwined his hands. To keep them from trembling, Makoto noticed.

“Quite.”

Makoto stepped back, trying not to give in to the panic. He couldn’t slap away the cold fingers tightening his chest, though. He feared even asking Rin further about Haruka’s state.

But fear wouldn’t help his friend. He was alive, so they could help him… but Makoto couldn’t see how.

“So you want to…” he prompted, managing to find his voice. An idea. Rin seemed to have an idea to save Haruka from the Death Eaters.

“Look, nobody can Apparate or Disapparate in the house,” his friend started. He looked more determined than Makoto had seen him in a long time. “Right now Haru can’t– He isn’t much of a threat, so there’s only one person guarding him. The problem is getting out; there are three or four people in every exit. If you guys could distract them, taking Haru out shouldn’t be difficult.”

Makoto let out a shaky breath.

“Okay… Then let’s talk to the others.” He was going to grab Rin’s wrist to Disapparate with him, but he stopped when he looked at Rin’s bloodied sleeve. “Do you want me to check your arm?”

Rin shook his head.

“Later.”

Makoto could almost hear the follow-through.

_Haru has it worse._

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

After the meeting to plan Haruka’s rescue, Rin was surprised by the Order’s methods. He wouldn’t have guessed they loved blowing things up so much.

(On the other hand, he wasn’t _that_ surprised that it had been Kisumi’s idea.)

He didn’t care, though; he wouldn’t be in that part of the building. All he had to do was waiting with Haruka until the right moment came, then escaping with him. And apologising to him. It had killed Rin, seeing Haruka in pain without being able to do anything, and he supposed it looked even worse from Haruka’s side.

He walked down to the basement, closing the door behind him. Haruka was in the same spot he had been when he had left with Mucilber and Avery; he was deathly pale, shivering violently even though he was unconscious. Rin kneeled next to him and took his cape off, carefully covering Haruka with it; it didn’t seem to help warm him up, though.

Rin didn’t try to touch him again.

“Hey, Haru,” he called. Haruka stirred a bit, but didn’t wake up. “I’m so sorry about all of this.” Rin bit his lip. None of Haruka’s wounds seemed too serious; their purpose hadn’t been making him lose blood, but cause as much pain as possible. The knowledge didn’t help Rin feel any less disgusted with himself. “You have all the right to hate me… But hate me later, okay? Now save that energy for yourself.”

“We’re going to get you out of here.”

 

 

 

 


	10. What is right

 

 

 

 

Makoto wondered exactly how long Rin had been thinking about stopping helping Death Eaters before he announced it.

His friend had memorised the building’s layout, had written down a lot of Death Eaters’ names. He had claimed he didn’t know much about their organisation, having joined them just a year ago and being considered practically an outsider; yet he had explained some of his theories in great detail, and they were, at least, _interesting_.

“I guess telling myself that all of this has been at least a bit helpful makes me feel better,” he had admitted when Kisumi had expressed his surprise, though nearly nobody had heard him.

Makoto came back to the present when he saw a jet of red sparks shining in the night sky. He was waiting behind the first trees of the forest that surrounded the house, like his friends; he recognised the lights as the first signal.

The people in the house had probably seen it, too.

The cue for him to carry through his part of the plan didn’t take long; it was also quite evident, the explosion at the main entrance of the house. It was powerful enough to shake the ground; soon the clearing the house was in was covered by smoke, cries reaching Makoto’s ears. He bit his lip, wondering how many people they had wounded.

He then shook his head. They were there for Haruka; those people there were the ones who had kidnapped and tortured his best friend. He would think about their well-being when he made sure Haruka was safe.

Makoto only hoped the building structure wasn’t severely damaged; Rin had assured Haruka was being kept in a basement on the other side of the house, and he was supposed to be with him, but Makoto couldn’t help but worry.

He breathed in deeply. Standing there wouldn’t solve anything; Makoto ran into the grey fog, remembering the instructions to arrive to where Rin and Haruka were waiting.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The explosion was loud enough to wake Haruka up.

He winced, opened his eyes and tried to sit up, only to fall back down in a fit of coughs. Rin held his head so he didn’t hit it against the floor; Haruka’s skin was freezing.

“Shhh, it’s alright,” Rin soothed him. “It’s all planned, okay?”

Haruka looked up at Rin. Then he shook his hand off, letting out something that sounded like a growl.

“Don’t touch me,” he managed to croak, curling further into himself. His voice was barely audible, hoarse from screaming for hours earlier.

Rin exhaled slowly, his lower lip trembling.  It was the least he deserved, he knew that much; yet now it wasn't the time to fight. “I’m sorry I’ll have to,” he eventually replied. “You can’t walk by yourself, can you?” Haruka pursed his lips together, too proud to acknowledge his own weakness even after what he’d gone through. “Wait a bit here.”

Rin stood up and walked towards the door. He could feel Haruka’s glare burning holes in his back, but explaining what had happened would have to wait; Rin opened the door and walked up the stairs, taking out his wand when he caught sight of the man guarding the basement, who seemed to be swearing under his breath.

“Hey, Carrow,” Rin called. “What was that?”

“We’re under attack–” The Death Eater hadn’t finished his sentence when he lost his balance and fell to the floor, thick ropes tightening around his body. “What are you doing?”

Rin smiled, his teeth showing.

“Saving my mudblood boyfriend.” He raised his wand again. “ _Silencio_!”

Rin had shoved his wand inside his pocket and was running down the stairs before Carrow had even tried to unsuccessfully speak. He found Haruka already trying to get up, Rin’s cape wrapped up around his body. He was having trouble coordinating his movements, though. Rin walked towards him and helped him stand up; Haruka was too exhausted to fight back and represent more than a mild inconvenience, but it also meant he was unable to move about on his own.

“Leave me– What are you going to do to me now?” he almost cried, a hint of hysteria in his voice as Rin secured the cape around his neck, throwing Haruka’s arm around his shoulder.

“Oi, I’m trying to help you here.” But Haruka didn’t seem to listen; all he wanted was to get away from Rin, slowing down their pace. “Please, just–” Haruka mumbled something, but Rin didn’t understand a word of it. He was looking around, taking in his surroundings. He scratched the hand Rin had secured on his waist, too weakly to actually hurt him, but with the clear intention of shaking Rin off him; it was the last straw. “Do you think you could stop making things difficult for a second?!” he exclaimed, raising his voice in frustration. They were in danger and Haruka just kept being stubborn.

But then Haruka _flinched_ , seemed to shrink as he lowered his head, shaking even harder. Then he took a step, messy and wobbly and uncertain, but the first one he did willingly.

Rin felt as if all the air was knocked off his lungs.

“Haru,” he breathed out, resuming walking himself. He tightened his hold on Haruka’s waist when they started climbing up the stairs. “I didn’t– Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell.” Haruka didn’t reply; his pale face was half fear, half concentration, and Rin _knew_ it was his fault. “H––Hey, don’t just keep quiet. Aren’t you curious about where we’re going?”

Haruka just kept walking, not looking up.

“To torture me,” he replied. “And when they get bored they’ll kill me.”

He sounded defeated, resignation smothering the dread in his voice. Rin wanted to shake him, to hug him– anything to make him react; but Haruka was already scared enough. Rin didn't want to upset him any further.

“Then what about the explosion?” he tried instead, after they had passed Carrow and ignored his glare.

Haruka didn’t seem to mind. Rin frowned as another loud noise shook the building, holding Haruka tighter. He didn’t remember planning that.

“I don’t know.” Haruka completely ignored the explosion; it looked like he was shutting down, perhaps due to the cold, or the fear, or everything; and Rin couldn’t really blame him.

At least he was cooperating now; Rin would tell him everything when they were safe.

He soon noticed getting away wouldn’t be as easy as it seemed, though; Haruka was tired, tripping frequently as he struggled to keep his head raised. Rin doubted he would be able to stay conscious until they reached the point from where Makoto would help them, but he tried anyway.

“Hey.” Haruka looked at him out of the corner of his eye. “Just so you know, the explosion was caused by the Order.” Haruka blinked slowly, as if processing that piece of information alone was too much. “They’re distracting the Death Eaters so we can escape.”

“The… Order? So you...” Haruka frowned. “But you didn’t do anything.”

Rin looked away.

“I couldn't.”

Even though it was true, it sounded like an excuse even to his own ears. Rational thinking didn't justify the fact that Haruka had been through so much pain while Rin just watched and wished for it to stop; it wouldn't change the truth that it had been thanks to Rin that Haruka had been exposed to those monsters to begin with.

Rin was relieved when he spotted Makoto waiting on a corner; his friend ran towards them when he heard their steps, Haruka practically falling into his arms when he recognised him. Makoto could carry Haruka without any problems if he lost consciousness and was way more used to deal with him, yet Rin felt a pang of jealousy among the calmness flooding his chest.

“Haru!” Makoto hugged them both, sighing as Haruka mumbled an unintelligible complaint. Rin let go of him and took a look around to make sure nobody was following them.

“Let's go,” he commanded, helping Haruka climb on Makoto's back, surprised when Haruka only stared at him in confusion; he then took out his wand.

“What was the second explosion?” Makoto wanted to know.

“I was about to ask you about that,” Rin mumbled.

“Maybe it got out of hand.” Even Haruka frowned when the floor shook under their feet once again.

“Hurry up.”

They were only a hallway away from the back door, and they hadn't found anyone yet. Rin glanced at Haruka, who was apparently very comfortable on Makoto's back; he was falling asleep, but now he wasn't fighting against it.

Until his face blanched and his eyes widened, panic staining their blue. Rin looked towards the same direction –forward– and paled too, barely noticing Makoto's strangled cry before pushing them both through the nearest door. The three of them fell into what happened to be a little library.

Rin was locking the door before even checking on Makoto and Haruka.

“I knew we should have killed you!” Mucilber’s voice filtered through the door between his angry bangs. “You filthy blood traitor, I’ll tear apart that mudblood with my own hands–”

Rin turned around when he heard Haruka’s gasp. He was sitting on the floor, eyes wide and fixed on the door.

“He can't get here, for now,” Rin assured as Makoto helped Haruka stand. They all almost fell again when the house shook to its very core.

“The window,” Makoto suggested, already taking Haruka there. “Come on.”

Rin passed them, making sure there was nobody outside and thanking they were on ground floor. He then held Haruka as Makoto climbed out of the window, but grunted when Haruka's legs gave out.

“Damn it–” Haruka clung to his arms with all the strength he could muster. “Hang on a bit, Haru. We're almost out.” Makoto hugged Haruka by the waist to pull him out, Rin holding his legs. Haruka seemed too distraught by the Death Eaters trying to get into the room to be of any help. “Alright. My turn.”

But then the wooden door all but blew up, the noise swallowing Rin's gasp as smoke and filled the room. Nevertheless, Makoto wasted no time before holding Haruka properly to keep walking.

“Your turn.”

It wasn't Makoto. It was Haruka's voice, weak and broken and scared; and he was losing the battle against sleep, but his blue eyes kept stubbornly fixed on Rin's.

It was as if time slowed down. Rin stared back, then glanced behind him, where Mucilber and other Death Eaters who didn't dare use their wands in case they hurt their comrades were.

And suddenly everything was awfully clear for him. If he followed Haruka and Makoto, the others would catch up with them before they got to the forest, where they would be able to Disapparate. Makoto couldn't fight with Haruka on his back, not to mention they would be an easy target.

Not to mention the building was collapsing; every minute they stayed there the danger grew.

“I'll deal with them,” Rin heard himself say. “You go somewhere safe.”

Makoto's eyes widened. “But–”

“It's fine,” Rin insisted. He looked at Haruka when he heard the strangled noise he made. “I just want to do this right for once.” He smiled. “See you later.”

Makoto's lips were pressed into a thin line, but he nodded. As Rin turned to face the Death Eaters, he could swear he heard Haruka yelling at his friend; yet he didn't look back.

He wanted to do things right for once.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Haruka awoke to darkness and muffled voices.

He didn't try to listen, to think about them; he had the feeling it would be painful, and existing hurt too much already. Instead he focused on the warmth surrounding him, on the only voice that came naturally to his ears, soothing and familiar and talking to him without expecting any reply.

“…sorry for that. Truth is, I didn't think you'd– I mean, you think this is just annoying, don't you?” Makoto sighed. “I'm not sure what would've happened to you if they hadn't stopped,” he whispered, and for a second he sounded as terrified as Haruka supposed he would feel when he dared think about everything he didn't want to understand, “but you'll be fine in a few days, you'll see.”

A loud voice broke the calm, making Haruka flinch and being momentarily aware of the pain running through his body. It was more than what Haruka could deal with at the moment, so he left himself drift off again.

Makoto was there. It was alright; he would know how to handle it.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Only not wanting to disturb the rest Haruka needed so badly stopped Makoto from gasping when Seijuurou barged into the bedroom. Makoto shushed, almost hissing, when Haruka stirred, and for some seconds he stared at his friend's pale face, putting every ounce of willpower he had on wishing they hadn't woken him up; thankfully Haruka kept sleeping, indifferent to everyone else's concern.

It was then that Makoto allowed himself to think about the words he had just heard; he almost spoke too loud too.

“What– It _collapsed_?!” He stood up. “What about Rin? Is he alright?”

Seijuurou looked away. At Haruka, Makoto noticed. He didn’t seem to be able to talk to him either, even though Haruka was probably too exhausted to hear him, so he answered staring at the floor.

“Ministry operators arrived there not long ago. They haven't found anyone yet, though.”

Makoto bit his lip. Turned towards Haruka, noticed the frown that had appeared between his eyebrows. It seemed he wouldn't have much rest either, despite being safe now.

“I want to help. They'll need Healers in case–” Makoto trailed off, not wanting to even consider the possibility of Rin being… “ _when_ they find survivors, right?”

Seijuurou nodded. “I'm going too; we might find useful information.”

Makoto turned towards Haruka, hesitant.

“But I can't leave him alone now.”

“We can solve that.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The next time, Haruka awoke because the sun bothered him.

He instinctively tried to throw an arm over his face, only to be stopped by a sharp pain running through his whole body. The cry got stuck in his throat, and all that came out was a shaky breath.

Then came a whole different kind of pain.

_Like falling, like sinking._

_Like drowning._

Haruka gasped, flailed his arms; tried to swim, to find the surface, to take air in– it wasn't as if he couldn't breathe; it was more like the air wasn't enough to lift the weight pressing down on his chest, the memories smothering him. Haruka's eyes shot open, expecting to find Mucilber there, ready to keep torturing him, Avery laughing, Rin doing nothing but _staring–_

But Rin wasn't staring. Rin wasn't even there; the rest of the room slowly materialised around Haruka as his breathing slowed down. There was nobody else in the bedroom.

It wasn't enough to explain what had happened, though; Haruka gripped the sheets, forcing himself to keep his breathing steady as the rest of the memories came. Rin had yelled, then– Makoto? Makoto had been there at some point; Haruka was sure about that. And… smoke, and then–

_“See you later.”_

Haruka covered his eyes with his hands slowly, pressing softly in an attempt to stop the headache from taking over him. He didn't understand. Rin had done _nothing_ , but he had told them to leave him behind– and now Haruka was in his bedroom, and everything seemed so _normal_ only the pain running through his body proved it hadn't been a nightmare.

He steeled himself before getting up; just standing made him want to throw up, and every step shook him whole and made the world sway dangerously around him. He felt like he'd been beaten up– which, Haruka numbly reasoned, was more or less what had happened.

Somehow he managed to make his way to the living room stopping to catch his breath after climbing down the stairs. He supposed Makoto would be there, studying or pretending to, and he had to know more about what had happened.

Haruka regretted all his efforts when he found Kisumi sprawled on the sofa, reading _his_ copy of _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_ as he ate the cake _Haruka_ had made less than two days ago for Makoto's birthday. He smiled at Haruka when he spotted him holding onto the doorframe.

“ _Finally_ ,” he exhaled. “I was starting to think you'd sleep all day.”

Haruka frowned. The whole situation was too surreal. He just wanted to know what had happened.

“What are you doing in my house?”

“Watching over you,” Kisumi happily answered, closing the book. “Not that you give much work, but Makoto said someone should be with you when you woke up.”

Haruka couldn't understand why Makoto would tell _Kisumi_ to look after him. Maybe he was angry with Haruka for something.

“So what happened?” he asked, not wanting to forget what he had come to do.

Kisumi's smile vanished. “You look awful. Why don't you take a seat?”

“Just tell me–” Conversations with Kisumi were so tiring. “Why isn't Makoto here?”

“He went back to the house where the Death Eaters kept you.” Kisumi stared at his lap. “He's fine,” he added, so quickly Haruka didn't have the time to turn the incoherent sounds falling from his mouth into words. “The building collapsed shortly after we left and– well– He's not there to help Death Eaters, but–”

Haruka felt like falling, even though he was gripping the doorframe with enough strength to leave marks in his hands.

_“See you later.”_

“Rin.” Haruka was vaguely aware his legs trembled too much; he didn't even notice the pain coming with every move, never knew how Kisumi ran towards him, saved him from a painful fall and took him back to the bedroom. Only when he found himself sitting on his bed again he looked into Kisumi's eyes, grabbing his arm. “What happened to Rin?”

Kisumi looked away. “They've found three corpses, but none of them is Rin. He might be still down there, though. Or maybe he escaped before the house collapsed. We– We don't know.”

Haruka swallowed down.

“But Rin… He didn't–” He shook his head; everything was blurring again, cornering him against memories he didn't want to think about. “Water.”

It took Kisumi less than five seconds to comply; Haruka grabbed the glass levitating in front of him and drank it all in three gulps.

“I want to go there,” he stated.

“As if you could.” Kisumi sat with his legs crossed on the corner of the mattress. “Better wait until you can walk without help before worrying about others.”

Haruka would have liked having reasons to get angry with Kisumi, but for once he was right.

 

 

 

 


	11. Let me find you

 

 

 

 

Makoto came home at mid-afternoon.

He was exhausted. Not happy or sad; those emotions were too complicated for him in that moment. He hadn't slept the night prior because he'd been taking care of Haruka, and he had spent the whole day moving rocks for absolutely _nothing_. There had been no survivors; all they had found were thirteen corpses, thankfully none of them with red hair.

It was good, Makoto supposed. It meant Rin hadn't been crushed by the crumbling building, that he had managed to get away before it completely collapsed.

It also meant nobody knew where Rin was.

Makoto supposed Haruka would be awake by now; as he Apparated before the front door and let go of Sousuke's arm –Sousuke, who technically didn't even belong to the Order, but had learnt about Rin through Kisumi and had wanted to help–, part of him wished they had found Rin. Not knowing was worse than anything.

Kisumi greeted them in the living room; he tried to keep his smile on even when Makoto announced Rin was officially missing, then mumbled something about Haruka being simultaneously better and in an awful mood before grabbing Sousuke's hand and dragging him out the house.

Makoto sighed before approaching Haruka's bedroom.

He found his friend wrapped up in blankets, doodling on his notebook. At first Makoto was surprised he was using a pencil instead of the quill he had gotten used to over the years, but he quickly realised it wasn’t that strange. Unlike him, Haruka belonged to the muggle world too; and there was a silent pride in his refusal to use a magical item. It was childish, yes; but it was also the way Haruka had chosen to acknowledge his heritage even after what he’d gone through because of it.

Haruka wasn't exactly thinking about whatever he wanted to draw, though; the usual frown hadn't been born out of concentration, but distress. Makoto swallowed down; he tried to focus on the cut of his cheek and the scratches of his neck, that were now pale pink lines on his skin thanks to the healing spells.

He couldn't, though, not when Haruka looked up and asked the question that was already obvious in his eyes:

“Did you find Rin?”

Makoto shook his head. “I think it's a good thing, though,” he explained. “Everyone who was in the house when it collapsed is dead.”

Haruka looked down, grabbed his pencil tighter.

“But where is Rin?” he mumbled, more to himself than to Makoto.

“He probably escaped.” Makoto sat on the bed.

“Or they could've–” Haruka shook his head, his frown deepening. He let the notebook on the bed, the pencil carefully placed on top of it. “I don't understand.”

“What?”

“Rin… saved me,” Haruka started. “And he stayed behind fighting against the Death Eaters.” Makoto nodded, trying not to feel guilty for having to stun his friend when he tried to go back to where Rin was. “But before, he–he… Rin–” Haruka closed his hands into fists, trying to find the right words.

“Rin what?” Makoto softly prompted, worrying when his friend paled.

“He just stood there.” The words that left Haruka's lips were soaked in disbelief, a new kind of pain clear in his voice. “When Mucilber was– They hurt me and Rin did nothing. He said he _wanted_ to see it–” He shook his head again, like a dog trying to get the water out of its ears. “I don't understand.”

“I guess he wasn't able to do much more,” Makoto suggested. Haruka looked at him, and the effort put into believing his words was painfully obvious in his eyes. “I mean, _that_ was his punishment, wasn't it?”

Haruka shuddered and hugged his knees. Makoto supposed he needed to come to terms with what had happened; he himself couldn't quite accept it yet. They had known belonging to the Order would be dangerous, but it hadn't been until the day before that Makoto had truly understood to which point they were risking their lives.

“I want to go to Rin's flat.”

The words were muffled against Haruka's arms; at first Makoto didn't understand what he'd just said. Then he frowned, almost shaking his head before even speaking.

“He's not there, Haru. I don't think he's been there since the Death Eaters caught you; I looked before I came here–”

“Still.”

Makoto sighed. “And you aren't fine yet.”

“I feel better.”

“Apparating would be bad for you.”

Haruka stared at him, his dull eyes determined despite the storm threatening to overflow them. It wasn't a glare; there wasn't even defiance in his look. He was just making clear a point: he wanted to go to Rin's flat, with or without Makoto. And it was obvious he'd manage to do it; not even having lost his wand would make him change his mind.

Makoto groaned.

“Okay. But you need to eat something first.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Haruka was glad Makoto was with him.

Rin's flat had never looked so revolting. It wasn't just the grey, the apathetic mood that dulled everyone's feelings; it was that the Death Eaters had destroyed everything that had tried to make it a warmer place after kidnapping Haruka. They had torn off the drawings; they now lay ripped to shreds over the floor, strips of colours that looked like wounds.

Haruka felt stupid for having hoped they would at least respect that. He didn't see the places where he had kissed Rin anymore; the bedroom was where he had found the Death Eaters waiting for him, the sofa had been turned over during the scuffle. Not even the food was still in its place; Haruka stared for some minutes at the steak he had wanted to make, that now laid on the floor, before dragging his feet out of the kitchen.

He wondered if Rin had been there after escaping. It made sense he hadn't stayed.

Haruka dropped to his knees before a sheet that didn't seem too damaged. Makoto walked quickly towards him, but Haruka didn't feel bad. Physically, at least. He turned the paper to find a drawing of the cherry tree field, in bloom despite it was supposed to portray a night in September, coloured stones piercing the sky instead of stars. Only the corners had been ripped off.

He was happy he could keep that memory, at least. He carefully folded the sheet and shoved it into the pocket of his hoodie, then let Makoto help him stand. Moving didn't hurt as much as when he had woken up, but it was still difficult.

“You alright?” Makoto asked.

Haruka nodded. “Can we go to the cherry tree field?”

“Huh? Why?”

“Just take me there.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It was absurd. The more Haruka thought about it, the more plausible it seemed that Rin had been taken with the Death Eaters. They would want to make sure he didn't try to contact the Order again, after betraying them and basically being the responsible for the collapsing of one of their headquarters. They wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.

Haruka cringed at the idea, trying to shake it off his mind. He was thinking too much because he was tired; despite not wanting to go home yet, he felt as if every one of his thoughts was surrounded by fear. But the problem was him; that was all. Rin could defend himself, after all.

He clung to Makoto when they Apparated on the cherry tree field, breathing deeply through his nose to fight the dizziness caused by Side-Along Apparition. His friend cautiously let him go, though Haruka felt his gaze on his back as he took hesitant steps, shivering as the sun disappeared behind the mountains.

He didn't know where he was going, any more than he knew if his premonition was true; but it was better than doing nothing and waiting for Rin to show up. Resting didn’t seem that important.

Haruka walked between leafless trees, looking around as he grabbed his drawing tighter; if he had been wrong he wouldn't know what to do anymore, where to keep looking for Rin.

He stopped abruptly when he saw a dark silhouette apparently leaning on a trunk. It could be a bush, but if for some chance it wasn't–

“Haru!” Makoto started to follow his friend when he tripped and almost fell; Haruka didn't pay him any attention, though, because he had never seen such a red bush.

For the first time in almost two days, what made Haruka tremble wasn't fear or cold.

“Rin.” He sank to his knees, reaching out to cup Rin’s face. His eyes were closed, his skin cold, but his breathing was loud enough to momentarily reassure Haruka. “Rin, hey.” He looked down, searching for any injury. He saw none, but it meant nothing. Most curses didn’t cause visible damage. “Rin!”

Makoto crouched down next to them, already taking out his wand; but then Rin frowned, and after some seconds his eyes fluttered open. He blinked several times, trying to discern something in the darkness; he gasped when he recognised Haruka, pulling him close and burying his head in his shoulder.

“You're fine,” he breathed, his voice muffled in Haruka's hoodie. “I'm sorry; I know you're–” he trailed off when a shudder shook his whole body. “But it worked. They didn’t catch you...”

Haruka pulled back.

“Are you hurt?”

“Huh?” Rin tilted his head, confused by the sudden change of topic.He frowned when he noticed Makoto.

“Did any spell hit you?”

Rin shook his head.

“No... But I’m cold.”

Haruka hugged him again, this time tighter. Despite Rin’s hands were cold enough for him to feel it even through his clothes, he felt oddly warm. Understanding what had happened could wait; Haruka was barely aware all the exhaustion he had been trying to ignore was finally getting to him, but it didn't matter now.

Rin was back.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

All in all, Makoto believed Rin had been lucky. He had escaped a collapsing building with only some bruises and scratches, and had managed to avoid every curse that had flown in his direction. Apart from minor wounds and the reopened cuts of his arm, he was just cold and somewhat disoriented; but, like Haruka, what Rin needed the most was rest.

He had been chased by Mucilber and the others before the house crumbled; but when he had managed to lose them he hadn't dared go where he knew Haruka would be in case they were still pursuing him; the cherry tree field had been the safest option then, but Rin had fallen asleep until Haruka and Makoto had found him.

“I'm glad you're fine,” Makoto said, honest. Rin, sitting on the sofa and staring at the ceiling, covered his face with his hands. “Thank you.”

Rin looked at him between his fingers.

“I just betrayed a lot of people. It’s not anything to be proud of.”

“But you did it.”

Rin seemed to freeze.

“I couldn’t just leave him there,” he muttered. “Even though he thinks I wanted to.” Rin’s hand fell on his lap as he looked around. “Talking about Haru, where did he go?”

“To sleep, I guess. He shouldn’t have been Apparating around so soon.”

Rin bit his lip, looking at his left forearm. Makoto had bandaged it, covering the cuts again, even though it wasn't necessary; he had figured out Rin wouldn't like seeing them.

“I should have known,” Rin whispered. “Damn it– I practically handed Haru to them on a silver platter. Why do I never think?”

“Rin, it wasn't your fault,” Makoto said quietly. Rin raised an eyebrow. “Besides, we are all alive, aren't we?”

“I guess.” Rin shrugged, clearly not in the mood to argue. “Can I see Haru?”

“Yeah, he's in his room–” He then remembered Rin didn't know the layout of the little house; he stood up and lead his friend towards Haruka's bedroom.

Their destination was on the first floor, at the end of the hallway. Makoto noticed Rin's stealthy steps behind him and smiled; Rin was finally back, even though it would take time for his eyes to regain their brightness.

“Here,” Makoto finally whispered, opening the door. Haruka laid on his side, everything in him calm except for a little frown between his eyebrows that betrayed an uneasy sleep. Rin walked to the side of the bed, eyes fixed on Haruka; and Makoto knew his presence wouldn't be needed anymore. “The guest room is next to this one,” he announced before walking out, though he doubted Rin had heard him.

Makoto didn't particularly mind. He was sure Haruka wouldn't want to be alone.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Less than forty eight hours ago, everything had been better and worse at the same time.

Worse because Rin hadn't quite made his mind to stop being the Dark Lord's puppet, because a part of him had wanted to rip his arm off if it meant getting rid of the Dark Mark even though the world had made quite clear how much of a bad idea hurting himself was. Because he hadn't been able to find a single reason why Haruka would want to be with someone like him, too stupid to use his head instead of joining a group of psychopaths because he wanted friends, too pathetic and coward to stop even though it was killing him.

Better because Haruka wasn't hurt. Because maybe he pitied Rin, but at least he hadn't held as much pain in his eyes as when Rin had intervened to stop his torture. He had been on his bed sleeping, not resting after going through more pain than any person should.

The cut on his cheek was now a pale, fresh scar that healed faster thanks to whatever Makoto had done, as well as the scratches on Haruka's neck and –Rin supposed– the other little wounds Haruka had gotten on his chest and arms; for a second Rin wondered why his friend hadn't done the same with the cuts he'd made on his forearm, only to remember that there was no way healing magic worked on his Dark Mark.

Rin didn't think about it for long, though; he sat on the chair someone –Makoto, most likely– had placed next to Haruka's bed, using his arms as a pillow on the mattress as he listened to Haruka's breathing. He wasn't shaking anymore; and Rin wanted to believe that his light blush wasn't only a trick of the light.

It was more soothing than a lullaby; no bad memories, no nightmares. When he drifted off, Rin dreamt an empty dream and smiled in his sleep.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

_Not again._

_Everything is burning._

 

_Stop it. It hurts._

_I want to go home._

_But I am at home. It's broken._

 

_Stop staring– do something._

_Please._

_Why are you laughing?_

 

_I can't breathe. Everything is dark._

_Good, I don't want to see it._

_I don't want to keep feeling._

 

“Haru– Haru, wake up. It's alright, it's not real– _Please_ … Nobody is hurting you, you're here.”

Opening his eyes felt like breathing after being six metres underwater, like tasting life after drowning, like taking a weight off his chest. Haruka didn't stop struggling; he tried to break free from the hands grabbing his wrists until his gaze met Rin's, tired and worried and darkened by the dark bags under his eyes.

“What...” He breathed deeply, trying to slow down his crazy heartbeat.

Rin let go of his wrists cautiously, as if he didn't trust Haruka to not flail his arms around again.

“Did you have a nightmare?”

Haruka nodded and looked aside, covering himself to the nose as the latest events came back to his mind. He was at home, safe– neither Mucilber nor anyone else would find him there; Rin was with him, they had found him on the cherry tree field. And he hadn't–

Haruka bit his lower lip to keep it from trembling.

That part wasn't just from his dream.

“Rin?” he dared look up. “Why didn't you do anything?”

Rin didn't meet his eyes. For some seconds, the only sound in the room was their breathing. Haruka didn't try to keep his distress at bay; it was hard, when it came to Rin, ignoring what he didn't want to feel.

“I couldn't.” Rin bit his lower lip. “It must have been hard for you, but–” He sighed. “Seeing you like that hurt me too, but I had to use my head there.”

There was a pause, as if Rin expected Haruka to reply. Haruka kept silent, though.

“The Dark Lord knew something was off with the Mark when I cut myself, so he summoned me after I told Makoto I would stop working for them; he learnt everything he needed using Legilimency and ordered Mucilber and some others to deal with it –with _you_ – the way they thought better.”

Haruka sat up. He was still shaken from his nightmare, but he did his best to understand everything Rin was saying.

“When they caught you I was already sure I'd ask the Order for help, but then– then they said they wouldn't wait before torturing you. I supposed if I were there, I could do something… so I agreed. It was my punishment anyway.” Rin stopped to take a deep breath. “So I went with them. But it turned out– even if I had disarmed them, there were many others outside. And they would've been even more suspicious if I had made up some excuse, so I had to wait for the right moment to do something.” Rin seemed to shrink with each word that left his lips.

“And when was the right moment?”

“When you said Makoto's name. They would have ignored me if I had talked before, and if I had waited anymore–” Rin swallowed. “Maybe you would've kept saying names.”

Haruka exhaled softly. He knew there were many other things that would've happened had his torture gone on for longer.

“And then you went to the Order?” he asked quietly. Rin nodded, expression tense. “I wouldn't have been able to do that,” Haruka admitted.

“I'm sorry.” Rin's eyes watered, everything he had kept for himself as he explained his side of the story finally showing. “I know it sounds like I didn't care about you, but I– It felt like dying.” He wiped the first tears off, only to start crying harder. “None of this would have happened if I had kept pushing you away,” he sobbed, and Haruka placed a hand on his arm, “but it felt good, thinking that you cared, and I didn't even mind you were there out of pity–”

“That's not true,” Haruka cut him off, and for the first time since he had waken up he felt angry. It was frustrating, seeing how Rin kept refusing to believe he deserved anything. “I told you, I'm with you because I want to.” Rin finally looked at him. “I don't love you any less when you aren't fine.”

Rin's breath hitched in his throat. He mouthed a single word, eyes widening as he took in its meaning. He gripped the sheets so hard his knuckles turned white, lip trembling as more tears ran down his cheeks.

“I've been awful to you,” he whispered. “I called you a mudblood so you were angry and never wanted to talk to me, so I could feel I had made the right choice– yet you kept being stubborn and managing to find me over and over again.” He sniffled. “Didn't you get tired?”

Haruka smiled.

“You managed to let me find you over and over again.”

He tugged at Rin's arm; thankfully Rin got the hint and crawled under the sheets with him. He was still crying, but his sobs weren't nearly as violent as before as he hugged Haruka and made himself comfortable in the crook of his neck.

“Now I'll have to talk to mum and Gou,” Rin mumbled at some point. “They'll be so angry.”

Haruka's eyes were already closing, but he managed to get what Rin was talking about. “They'll understand.”

Rin sighed.

“Not everyone is like you.” He mumbled. “I don't think the Order trusts me, but from now on I want to help. To make up for– for being so stupid.”

“That's good,” Haruka hummed. “As long as you don’t get caught.”

Rin’s cautious kiss on his clavicle tickled.

“You can…” he started. “If– If you want, we don’t have to keep like this. We could try to be… like at Hogwarts, just–”

“Rin.” Haruka was far too tired for that. He buried his nose in Rin’s hair, closing his eyes. “I don’t want to. I like us like this.”

He didn’t have the energy to explain that he felt so light he could float now that he understood, that he knew Rin had never betrayed him, but his words seemed enough to reassure Rin enough to stop talking. Haruka smiled when strong arms tightened around his waist.

“Goodnight, Haru,” Rin eventually slurred, already half asleep.

Haruka kissed his head. Rin’s scent was like a reminder of the realness of it all. They were alive, and even though they were both broken Haruka wanted to believe they weren’t a lost cause. They would heal.

“Goodnight, Rin.”

It would be fine.

 

 

 

 


	12. Aftermath

 

 

 

 

The warmth surrounding Rin was certainly nice. He furrowed his brow as he clung to the last threads of sleep, wanting to bask in a calm he wasn’t used to. Without thinking, he reached out to pull Haruka closer, as if he could find the way back to his empty dream in those arms.

But Haruka wasn’t there.

Rin’s eyes snapped open as he sat up so abruptly he had to fight a sudden dizziness. He looked around, feeling as if his heart had moved to his throat, making breathing difficult until he spotted Haruka standing next to the window, worry obvious in his gaze.

“What’s wrong?”

Rin shook his head, relief flooding him as he took in Haruka’s looks. Any trace of wound had finally vanished from his skin, and he seemed to have less trouble than the night prior moving around.

“Nothing,” Rin breathed out. Haruka nodded and turned to the wall, and it wasn’t until then that Rin realised he was pinning something on it. “What’s that?” he asked, getting up and walking towards Haruka.

“It was in your flat,” he explained; it didn’t take long for Rin to recognise the drawing. It had been made on a silent, rainy afternoon, with Rin leaning on Haruka’s shoulder and focusing on the sound of water dropts drumming on the windows.

“The corners are broken,” he noted, raising his arm to brush them with his fingers. Haruka just stared at him. “Why don’t you draw it again?”

At that, Haruka visibly tensed up.

“No,” he snapped. He walked out of the room, taking long strides, and slammed the door shut behind him.

It took Rin a while to understand why he had gotten angry.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

That afternoon, Rin went to his flat to pack his things. Staying there wasn’t safe since the Death Eaters knew about the place, so he would spend some time in Haruka and Makoto’s home, which was way too big for two people anyway. Rin had suggested in a tiny voice that he could stay with his mother so he wouldn’t bother them, but Haruka knew the thought of facing her so soon terrified him.

Haruka went back to work two days later, after buying a new wand; he had lost his when he had been ambushed and kidnapped. Despite Makoto had said he should get more rest and Rin had agreed, he didn’t want to be locked up in the house, where there was little he could do to stop himself from replaying his torture over and over in his head until he couldn’t discern the present from the past.

Rin, Haruka found out, didn’t need a job urgently, but wanted it nonetheless. When he had turned seventeen he had been allowed to use the money his father had left for him after dying, but even though he wasn’t a spendthrift he wanted to find a job and not wasting all his inheritance being lazy.

“It’d be nicer spending it on a holidays or something like that,” was what he said. The way he spoke about a future that the war darkened with each passing day rendered Haruka silent for some minutes.

It took Rin less than two weeks to star working at Florean Fortescue’s ice-cream shop. Haruka conveniently forgot to tell him that Sousuke worked at Flourish and Blotts; he knew Rin wouldn’t have taken the job had he known. He hever told Haruka whether his and Sousuke’s first conversation after what had happened had been awkward, but after less than a week having Sousuke hanging out in his living room became usual.

Haruka tried to think of it as collateral damage.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Even though Rin had thought the Order wouldn’t trust him –he _was_ a traitor, after all–, the main problem he faced when Haruka took him to a meeting for the first time was Kisumi’s excitement. Rin enjoyed his friend’s company, but he would need some time to get used to it again.

Also, Haruka.

He was usually fine during the day, except for those moments when Rin said something that angered him for such personal reasons it took Rin a while to understand what he had done wrong; but as Nao talked about recent murders that seemed to have something to do with Death Eaters, Haruka’s face kept losing colour, his hands holding onto the edge of the table so hard there wasn’t any blood left in his fingers.

“Hey, Haru,” Rin called him in a worried whisper, not wanting to interrupt Nao.

Haruka didn’t move. His gaze was focused on the wooden table, but Rin realised that wasn’t what he was seeing.

It was as if a nightmare had followed him into wakefulness and trapped him in its ugly claws. He was shaking, eyes wide and flowing with horror; and Rin had no idea how, but he _needed_ to erase that expression from his features.

“Let’s get out of here for a bit,” he suggested, cautiously placing his hand on Haruka’s elbow.

Maybe he should have expected Haruka to shrink away from him, but Rin was as surprised as the fourteen people who stared at Haruka’s trembling form when he jumped out of his chair so suddenly it fell to the floor. Rin stood up as Haruka frantically looked around as if he had forgotten where he was, instinctively trying to touch him even though part of him had already realised it was a very bad idea.

“Haru, don’t–”

But Haruka had already located the door. Rin followed him as he ran across the corridor, ignoring everyone else’s voices, until Haruka stopped and tried unsuccessfully to open the door at the end of the hallway. He turned around and pressed his back against the wood, staring at Rin and pointing his trembling wand at him.

The panic of not knowing what to do and a childish anger towards Makoto for being doing a Potions exam instead of _there_ mixed in Rin’s mind. He tried to think about something that would reassure Haruka, about the proper words to help him, the useless voice in his head soon reminding him that he had just scared Haruka further.

Both of them flinched when Kisumi’s unusually concerned voice reached their ears.

“Haru, are you fine?”

Haruka tried to retreat further against the closed door; it reminded Rin of a cornered animal, and that was what gave him an idea. He didn’t want to find out the first spell Haruka would come up with if he felt any more threatened.

“Kisumi, why don’t you go back with the others?” he suggested, not taking his eyes off Haruka, who shifted his gaze between Rin and Kisumi.

“But–”

“We’ll be back in no time, too. ”

He was thankful when Kisumi didn’t argue further, and relieved when his friend’s steps faded out.

He still didn’t know what to do, though; he stared back at Haruka for what seemed like ages, and in the end it was Haruka the one who spoke first, after looking around again and taking in their surroundings.

“We’re not… there…” he mumbled. “Right?”

“No, we aren't.” Rin took a step towards him. Haruka raised his wand a bit more, though his hand trembled too much to even aim at something. “Haru, it’s just me.”

Haruka was making obvious efforts to keep himself from hyperventilating. The arm holding his wand dropped to his side, and then his back slided down the door until he was sitting on the floor.

Slowly, giving him time to protest if he wanted, Rin walked towards Haruka and crouched down, not daring touch him. “Water?” he offered, because he already knew the answer to _Are you alright?_

Haruka didn’t move.

“And he isn’t here.” He seemed to be following his own train of thought rather than listening to Rin. He looked up, though, a silent plea for Rin to help him come back to the present.

“He isn’t,” Rin confirmed.

Haruka nodded.

And then he all but jumped on Rin, hugging him so tight Rin feared for his ribs at first. Rin cautiously hugged him back, one hand tangled in his black hair, the other on the small of his back.

“And I won’t be back there,” Haruka added.

Rin kissed the top of his head.

“Of course not.”

They didn’t move until the meeting ended.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They soon fell into a comfortable routine: Rin would get up first, always failing in his task of not waking Haruka up no matter how stealthy he was and ending up having breakfast with him. Haruka spent his mornings working on his assigned paintings and didn’t see Rin until he came back in the afternoon. They usually went for a walk or to the cherry tree field afterwards.

It felt methodical at times, but Haruka noticed he wasn’t the only one who liked the normalcy a routine gave. Rin still had bad days, but Haruka had the feeling they were becoming less frequent. Whenever he felt his Mark burning, he panicked and wanted to leave in case it would help Voldemort find him, but he was getting better at reasoning that Voldemort wouldn’t summon him if he were able to locate him.

Eventually Rin gathered the courage to pay his mother a visit.

In his eyes, it didn’t go well.

“She hates me,” he whispered into Haruka’s jumper.

“She doesn’t.”

Rin shook his head.

“You didn’t see her. I didn’t even tell her half of it and she looked at me as if… as if…”

“As if you were someone who made some bad choices?”

“As if she regretted having me.”

Haruka had talked to Rin’s mother twice, when he was twelve and when he turned fourteen, but he didn’t believe Rin’s impressions. Reasoning with Rin when he was in that state was nearly impossible, though, so Haruka just held him and played with his hair until Rin stopped crying.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Some nights, Rin held Haruka to protect him from his nightmares.

Some nights, Haruka held Rin to protect him from himself.

Some nights both of them needed to be held, and they clung to each other hoping the world would leave them alone that way.

 

 

  

* * *

 

 

 

It got better. They got better.

Eventually Haruka’s nightmares stopped being the norm, and memories stopped merging with reality. He learnt to not associate the topics the Order talked about in the meetings with his own experience, even though sometimes he walked out the room and didn’t come back until they changed the topic.

Rin wasn’t able to see his own progress, but apparently Haruka could. Rin could tell because as days passed the glint in Haruka’s eyes, the one that looked like pity, was harder to see. It was difficult to think about pity when Haruka awoke and looked at him with a lazy smile on his lips, eyes shining as if they held not only the sky but also the sun.

Rin went to see his mother again. The mere idea of confirming how much he had disappointed her was still terrifying, but he hoped she, like Haruka, would start looking at him like she did before he’d finished Hogwarts.

He wasn’t wrong, though the lack of anger put him off. Rin wasn’t able to tell her everything yet, but she knew enough about the wizarding world to understand what Rin had done. But she didn’t show any anger. She only cooked enough food for five Rins and scolded his son for not having been eating properly during the time he had been avoiding her.

Rin left after promising he would write to Gou, even though he didn’t see the point: she would be back for Christmas holidays in a few days.

“You’re just making excuses,” Haruka deadpanned when Rin explained it.

He wasn’t the only one who did that, Rin thought later, when he tried for the sixth time to say that he wanted to find somewhere else to live and Haruka quickly expressed his dislike for every option Rin had thought of, mumbling that those apartments were either too big, too small or too ugly.

Haruka’s resistance was endearing, but Rin knew he would have to leave eventually. He couldn’t afford it at the moment without using his father’s money, but lately he had been thinking about getting into professional quidditch. Maybe he lacked Haruka’s innate talent to fly –which was ironic; while Rin knew his father had been an extraordinary quidditch player, Haruka didn’t have any magical relatives he could have taken after–, but Rin was good at it. Sousuke still resented him for having quit the team on his sixth year.

Sometimes Rin daydreamt about leaving with Haruka, and it actually didn’t seem such a bad idea. Neither Rin nor Haruka had voiced it yet, but it sounded nice.

“It’s bright,” Haruka exhaled that night, breath caressing the carved up skin on Rin’s arm. It made Rin shudder, and he leant his forehead on Haruka’s shoulder, biting his tongue.

Haruka made that kind of comment at seemingly random times: before going to sleep, when he got out of the shower and found Rin sitting on the sofa; or when, like in that moment, they were naked and he left a trail of kisses on the scars blurring the Dark Mark.

Rin didn't understand –and Haruka never elaborated–, but he liked the kisses; they made the scars and the brand look almost like they weren't reminders of things that had been his fault, of everything he regretted but couldn’t undo. They made Rin understand, if only for some minutes, that he was slowly but surely getting better.

They helped Rin believe Haruka accepted that part of him, too.

Rin used his index finger to lift Haruka's chin so he could kiss his lips again.

“Whatever you're talking about, I bet you're brighter.”

Haruka’s blush intensified as he looked aside.

There were no more cryptic comments that night.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

In the end, Christmas holidays came before Rin could gather the courage to write a letter to his sister.

He decided picking her up instead; Haruka accompanied him to King’s Cross, though technically he was there to say hello to Nagisa, who had written to him at least once a week to make him promise he would (and to Rei, who had sent at least half as many letters as Nagisa apologising in behalf of his friend). Makoto was doing his Potions exam again; he had failed the first one.

Haruka tried to ignore the way Rin shifted his weight from one foot to the other, how he subconsciously grabbed his left arm, as if trying to make it less visible.

He failed.

“Stop doing that,” he growled, trying not to let Rin’s pout make him feel guilty.

 “I’m nervous!”

“And now I am too,” Haruka hissed.

Rin’s reply got lost when other people in the station started talking; the Hogwarts Express was arriving to the platform. He took Haruka’s hand in his and started playing with his fingers while they waited for the students to get off the train.

Haruka let him. It was better than having him hopping around.

Soon, though, Rin stopped fiddling with Haruka’s fingers. His hands stilled as he caught sight of someone; Haruka glanced in the same direction just to make sure it was Gou. Her red hair stood out in the crowd of students that looked for their families, not too far from Nagisa and Rei.

She was looking around, too; but she froze when she spotted her brother.

Rin let go of Haruka’s hand, as if it had burnt him.

“Should I–” he started, but Gou made her mind first. She sprinted towards them and practically leapt on her brother. Rin stumbled back a few steps as he hugged her back on reflex, but his tension was visible; it was as if part of him didn’t want anything more than to push his sister away and run.

The part of him that was still convinced that his mother hated him, Haruka guessed.

But Rin didn’t avoid his sister’s contact; it was Gou the one who stepped back first, her bright eyes darkening as she took in Rin’s appearance, the upturned corners of her mouth lowering noticeably.

“You’re–”

“Thinner, I know,” Rin cut her off. “Mind you, Mum is already working on fixing it.”

Gou frowned at Rin’s overly defensive reply, but after some seconds her smile grew wider again. “So you aren’t hanging out with those guys anymore?” She gave a little jump as she asked it, hopeful.

It took Rin some seconds to answer.

“No, I’m not…” He looked around. Haruka knew they weren’t the only members of the Order on King’s Cross, but he reached for his wand just to make sure it was still there. “And this isn’t the best place to talk about that.”

“But…” Gou bit his lip. She tried to speak several times, and Haruka realised she was trying to say what she wanted without making it obvious. “You’re… back, aren’t you? Or you’re here because Mum told you to?”

Rin looked away, shoulders slumped. Haruka resisted the urge to grab his hand and squeeze it; he knew how much Rin regretted the way he had treated his sister, and Gou’s doubts were the direct result of his behaviour.

“I’m trying,” Rin finally whispered, and he sounded ashamed. “I want to make up for all of this… but it isn’t as easy as I’d like.”

For some seconds, Gou stared at her brother, her expression unreadable. But Rin refused to meet her eyes, so she slung her arms around his neck again.

“It’s alright,” she muttered; her words almost got lost among the crowd.

There was a small smile on Rin’s lips when he hugged his sister back.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Rin’s nose was freezing when he awoke the first day of the year.

He snuggled further under the blankets, craving the warmth; he crawled blindly until he found Haruka’s waist and hugged it. He frowned when he noticed Haruka was sitting up, though. It was enough to make him open his eyes.

“Can’t you sleep?”

Haruka looked down. He glowed under the first lights of the morning.

“I was thinking.”

“About what?” But Haruka turned his head towards the window, clearly without wanting to answer. “Oi. Don’t ignore me.” Rin lifted Haruka’s t-shirt and poked his hipbone with his cold nose; it was enough for Haruka to jump and cover Rin’s face with his hand.

“Don’t do that.”

“Then stop–” Rin bit Haruka’s hand to make him pull back. “What is bothering you?”

“Nothing.”

Rin groaned.

Haruka threaded his fingers through Rin’s hair, probably to grab it in case Rin tried to poke him again. Rin pouted and got comfortable on his spot, closing his eyes as Haruka let his guard down and started playing with his hair. He hadn’t given up yet, though.

“Another nightmare?” he tried.

“No.”

“You bought too much mackerel and now you don’t know what to do with it?”

“ _No_.”

For some reason it sounded like _there is never too much mackerel_ in Rin’s ears.

“Do you have to patrol with Kisumi?”

“No. Luckily.”

Rin sighed. “Then?”

Haruka stayed silent for so long Rin thought he wouldn’t answer. His fingers had stilled too, tangled in Rin’s red hair. And it could’ve been Rin’s imagination, but his breathing seemed to get a bit faster. Telling Haruka was nervous wasn’t usually easy, but when one knew what to pay attention to it was obvious.

“I want to leave.”

Rin opened his eyes.

“Leave?”

“Not right now,” Haruka clarified. His voice shook a little. “And just for a while.”

Rin sat up. Haruka stared at the sheets, almost ashamed of his suggestion. But it wasn’t that strange; among the reasons Haruka had to be a member of the Order, liking the war and being constantly in danger wasn’t one of them. And after what had happened, it made sense that he wanted to–

“What do you mean with leave? Abroad?” Haruka nodded. Rin swallowed down, trying not to dwell on the bitterness in his mouth. “I– I mean, being far from this would be good for you, and I suppose…”

Haruka stared at him and Rin forgot what he was supposed to say.

“Would you come with me?”

Rin’s jaw dropped. It took him some seconds before he remembered how speaking worked.

“You don’t have to,” Haruka added. “I just thought you’d like it.”

“Yes, I’d like it,” Rin finally answered, tidying up his thoughts. “But if I sign up for the trial period with the Tornadoes, I can’t–”

“I said it doesn’t have to be right now,” Haruka cut him off. It occurred to Rin that he was awful at asking for things. Haruka looked away again. “When the war ends.”

He spoke quietly, but his voice was firm. With everything his words implied.

Rin grinned and burrowed his face into Haruka’s neck, his cold nose making Haruka flinch again. He didn’t complain about Rin’s arms snaking around his waist again, though.

“When the war ends,” Rin repeated.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I noticed halfway through posting this story that some of you haven’t read the _Harry Potter_ saga, so there are things you might not understand. So there you have some explanations about issues that play a role on the story. ~~Though you can read the books too *winks*~~  
>  (Disclaimer: I haven’t logged into _Pottermore_ in ages, so some things may be wrong; however, I’ll mark the difference between what is stated/deduced in the books and my headcanons):
> 
>   * Chapters 2 and 3: **The duels between Haruka and Rin**. The spells they use against each other ( _Impedimenta_ , _Expelliarmus_ and _Stupefy_ ) aren’t serious. _Impedimenta_ temporally paralyses the person who gets hit. _Expelliarmus_ makes your wand jump out of your hand, or throws you up the air if it hits your body. _Stupefy_ /Stunning Spells just make you faint. Make what you want of it.
>   * Chapters 4 and 5: **Haruka gets hit by three Stunning Spells, Rin’s worry**. Despite not being very dangerous, receiving multiple Stunning Spells at once _can_ be an issue. Certain HP character spent some time at the hospital due to being hit by several ‘innocuous’ spells at the same time, though old age probably played a role in it. Haruka was just unconscious for longer than usual.
>   * Chapters 7 and 8: **Rin’s Dark Mark**. The Dark Mark is a tattoo of a skull with a snake coming out of its mouth. Voldemort brands it on his Death Eaters’ inner left forearm when they start working for him. And it’s not only a proof of belonging; it’s also used as a way of communication between Voldemort and the Death Eaters: when Voldemort presses on a Death Eater’s Mark, he summons other Death Eaters. Likewise, a Death Eater can summon Voldemort by pressing his/her own Mark.  
>  I personally believe that there must be some spell Rowling never told us about involved there; otherwise Voldemort would be accidentally summoned annoyingly often (ah, the parodies about Death Eaters taking a bath and making Voldy materialise next to them in the showers). So it’s implied that when he cut himself Rin was upset enough to do some accidental magic, therefore alerting Voldemort that something was off.
>   * Chapter 9: **The _Cruciatus_ Curse**. One of the three Unforgivable Curses. It causes agonising pain, as you ~~and Haruka~~ have probably realised by now.  
>  However, it’s never stated in the books that you can focus its effects on wounds or certain parts of the body. But Rowling didn’t say it was impossible, either.
>   * Chapter 11: **Apparition**. You can’t Apparate or Disapparate without a wand, and Haruka lost his at the Death Eaters’ headquarters. Hence why he needed Makoto to Apparate with him.
>   * Chapter 12: **“[Rin’s] trial period with the Tornadoes”**. The Tutshill Tornadoes are a quidditch team.
> 

> 
> That being said, this story is finished. I hope you liked it. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.
> 
> Thoughts? Rocks? Comments? (please bear in mind that rocks can be painful)


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